the intensity increases

In several different ways increasing intensity is apropo to my life. First, i will address counseling. Next, my new boyfriend. And finally, my situation as a new parental figure.

The goal is counseling this quarter was to deal with grief and trauma from when i was younger- ages 16-25ish. First order of duty was the suicide of my best friend, grief over my high school sweetheart moving within weeks of the suicide, and my resulting depression and drug use. This is a conversation i was starting to prepare for over Christmas break, exploring physically and emotionally some of the places that haunt me.

This week we started talking about the grief and trauma, but i was surprised at where the conversation led and where the trauma felt the most poignant. I started talking about my ex-boyfriend from ages 19-21. He was a heroin addict, emotionally and sexually abusive (though, i do not know if he realized he was abusing me sexually, i did not know how to voice how i felt…). This. This was the conversation that haunts me most. I do not think i really expected this to come out.

Of course, there is some reason why this is particularly important in my life, which leads easily into my Next, the new boyfriend. I have issues with sex. This is something i have kinda known, but realized most recently with Kevin. My issues reside with an inability to voice what i want in an intimate relationship, or ever recognize what i want in order to voice it. I have been passive for so many years. Just going through the motions with my mind somewhere else. And, eventually, i begin to hate it. Sex becomes emotionally abusive, i do it because i think i am supposed to, but i hate it. I just wait for it to be done and i. I don’t know. I. Wow.

So. Kevin. He has, from the beginning, asked me to tell him what i want and what i like. He wants to see me happy intimately. No one has put this effort forth so explicitly. Kevin communicates. When i realized i did not know how to use my voice or how to tell him, i let him know. I let him know that i have yet to find my voice, and he said he wanted to help me. He wanted to know what was going on in my head, in my body. This made me explore the fact that i have issues with sex.

It is liberating. And scary.

This. Thing. This. Person. Kevin. What we have is magical. I have never, ever felt this powerful of an attraction, mentally, physically, emotionally, with anyone. I keep trying to quantify it. Figure out the whys and wherefores. But. I’ve decided to try and be in the moment. Just be. Allow this to come about in as natural a manner as possible. I can’t say too much more.

And, for a third intensity… i am a parent. Suddenly,  i have a 5 year old. On top of dealing with trauma, falling in love… my life is changed. No more obsessing over myself and taking the path of meta. It’s changed everything.

Now. I must go. Lunch or snack, then a pedicure with a close girlfriend, then my brother comes to visit from Seattle, then sushi, i hope.

I will come back. I will write more. I need this. I need you.