Home, or some semblance of it

I have a goal, of sorts, all unambiguous-like.

I am back home. Lewiston, ID. And here is what i propose:

Walk all the back streets of dream and half remembered occurances,
Fill my self with what comes, the darkness, the fog, the …
Whole-encompassing emotion, that rush, my chest filled with what i must face
Wrestle it, argue, converse, dissertate,
Love it.
Be with it.
Live it.
Walk the back streets, hidden stairways, alcoves, chilly streets of my childhood.

Places that have broken my heart, haunted me for years.

Walk the streets and dreams, write them, imagine them, bring them to life. and just be.

Be with myself, my choices, my should have beens, the hearts i have broken, my own broken…

What is broken in me? I have always thought there was so much wrong with me. I know that, i know, i, … i, …, i…

For years after high school, coming home was painful. Utterly devastating. I would walk the streets, tears flowing, memories taking over, ghosts walking. Over time, this has lessened. It’s not an less important, just less sharp. It’s like there is a dull thudding beast in my chest. Perhaps this moment, this time, this occation is a little more poignent than usual….i am here as a single women, i am in therapy and will be dealing with the trauma of my teen years. The death, depression, drug use,…. and the reprecussions thereafter.

My goal this visit, this whole break between fall and winter quarter is to sit with myself. Be. Be and feel what comes. Also, find the place within myself where i can dwell, a healing place. A place in which i can hide if needs be, where i can stand in my naked emotion and declare.

My goal for this most painful city is to find that emotion i had hidden so deep down. In the past i may have honed that pain, reveled in it and used it to fall deeper and deeper into depression. But this time i want to find it and caress it, care for it, and make a change in my life with it. I want to find those places i used to hide in this city of hiding places. Physically, there are many places for me to explore. Emotionally, also. I have many hidey holes within. I will take my journal around and write.

Ha. All this far reaching goals and i only have one day. The sun sets so quickly these days and it is freezing outside. This writing will definately help, and i do not physically need to be here to reach maximum catharsis.

Aye, time to go. As much as i would love to sit here on the internet all day, i have a niece and nephew to spend some time with before i leave.

Thank you for listening.