the year of shit.

This has been the year of breakdowns for me. I made the mistake of looking at old pictures. Actually I made my pics to sort file into a screen saver. So a lot of my adventures of the past few years fill the screen. And I think how fucked it is that it’s gone. And I can’t even say this to anyone I know, because of course I fucked it up, didn’t I. No one can just ask about how I feel losing everything.

I didn’t fuck things up, I tried so hard to get out of the shit job I had for a better one. I lost the one woman that loved me moving back here. I lost our apartment. I was very proud of it, although with everyone leaving, rent prices went down and because of that there were a lot of “element” suddenly driving baller vehicles around the complex, making their 15 minute “pick up” stops to random units.

I’m so tired of fighting everything. I’m so tired at having to work harder and watch lazy, disinterested, shallow people passing me by with their good fortunes. Genetics are fucking everything. Add a dye job and some implants and that’s the makeover I see getting all the “cool” jobs, while I have to bless the sky that I get a shit job lifting shit and dealing with difficult people that aren’t really being customers. Customers buy shit.

There’s no one I can talk to. No one wants to talk to a depressed me, but a few people would love for me to go hang out with them and their family and their toys and expanded cable setups and several cars and expensive hobbies, so I can sit there, uncomfortable. I would rather be in an empty bar.

I don’t think I’ve said this to anyone, but at the beginning of the year, I was claustrophobic. I felt trapped in my situation, in my job, in my relationship. And part of me wanted to have a better end result. But I made things worse, because I believed in movies where people put everything on the line, execute all their radical, odd plans with enough of their personality to win the regatta or big game or heist, whatever the fuck movies do.

It didn’t work and I clawed out at every branch I was hitting on the way down. I’m at the bottom again, identically where I was 10 years ago. This time, I have no support group from either side. I was pissed my friends there couldn’t help me stay there and I’m pissed at people I know here because this all feels so small town. Everyone is marrying people I had to hear them bitch about, having kids they can’t afford and living in places they can’t either. And all they can talk about is getting the new ibig brother and their next vacation. What the fuck alien planet did I land on?

I have to look for another unappreciative job, save up all my hard earned dollars, for what. So I can get another vehicle that’s supposed to help me with my errands, but will just be a huge money pit like the the other 6-7 totaled vehicles and about 5-6 motorcycles I’ve owned? I’m supposed to hurry up and save to move back to find my girlfriend went on fine without me? And staying here in this shithole another 3 years of my life.

I’m so tired. I’m so drained. I’m so empty. 2 people I knew back there attempted suicide after I moved. I’ve been seriously trying to justify ending things. My dreams are writing books on my experiences are lofty dreams I sat on, while no one really gives a shit about what I’ve done when it was happening. Everyhing I get done, I have to do on my own in private and then present it to the suspect audience. It’s like I’m a prisoner keeping my plans secret. Everyone is always in a big hurry to dismiss the few hopes it’s taken me years to hold on to.

I’ve quit just about everything else in my life in trhe past few months. How do I end this.