Closer to Zero

I just got back into writing again and now I’m questioning it. Not the writing itself, but the tone I’ve taken.

I’ve been negative. I’ve been trying to get it out of my system. I have admittedly lost friends in my rants on status updates on another page. Lotta collateral damage on my rants. I’m blaming a lot of people for a lot of things, questioning a lot of people’s accountability for things when they won’t leave me alone.

New years was tough. Maybe shouldn’t have spent the money to go out, but I was desperate to “feel” something before the end. Finished a pitchewr at bar 1. There’s a strange rule at the 2 bars I’ve gone to, is that at a certain time, they clear all the bar stools around the bar as the do sets up. Apparently there are too many people for chairs. I think taking chairs away is a lame policy for people who get them. Either always have them or always don’t. The mistake I made was public transportation. There was a sign that rides were free until 4:00AM. I assumed it would be available until 3. My particular route still had the same hours and stopped even before last call 1:30. I walked home for five hours, yeah, and got home after 6:00AM dead tired from walking in dress shoes in the wet, windy and cold weather.

It’s tough looking for work. It sucks that transportation has to be a consideration for where I even work. I cannot walk home at night or wait at a bus stop with a night of tips from a restaurant, which is mostly where I’m applying. I need/ want fluid cash before getting a paycheck that will bee too small anyways. If I want to expand, I have to work a slower lunch shift and wake up earlier to take advantage of working the earlier shifts. I do not want to involve a bicycle unless there’s somewhere I can park inside. I do not want a vandalized/ stolen bike after a theoretical good night with tips.

A place I want to apply does drug testing. Unpacking some storage boxes, I found an old pipe with some stale, but smokable weed. Since I’ve been so upset/ depressed/ whatever, I of course smoked it. So now I may get a haircut and dye the grey out of my hair to apply anyways, I hope it could do the trick. I’d still have to buy and drink “the punch,” if they decided to go pee test. It would be kinda worth it, closer to home.

I picked a wrong time to write my mother a letter, pissed off. She wanted to go to my uncle’s for new years day and she knew I didn’t want any part of it. Without explanation, he added me and then cut me off I found later. I was hundreds of miles from home and this was the only interest my relatives have showed in my life/ friends. So when I’m back, all my mother talks about is her Facebook friends, what they do every week, etc. Fine. But when I talk about what’s going on I can tell when someone is patronizing me. My family is known for lifelong bans on people that disagree with them. So I wrote her a long letter, if she wants to choose friends over family, then don’t involve me. She was helping me out with groceries and getting around money. I have to now live by the sword and starve. My mother in the past has a habit of giving things and using it against you later. All everyone largely sees is the nice lady that gives things. Few people see the other side. Lotta people don’t ask about the unspoken of relatives. I’m the only one that questions, of course when I’m in a time of need. I decided I had to end over 30 years of the way family business is done. Seems like family to me is another way of saying people that fuck with your head even more than your closest friends do. Relatives are people you feel you need to forgive the most so they can turn around and screw you yet again, decade after decade.

I did manage to make a lot of headway on a project at home. I’ve unpacked over 50 boxes from storage. Since I have nowhere to go for the time being, I’ve been going thru a lot of crap, unearthing a lot of old stuff that I’m realizing defined/ defines me. Unfortunately, that’s how people want to see me around here. I changed a lot in Vegas and people (last paragraph) want to dismiss it, sweep it under the rug, blow it off, pretend that I was the same person years ago. So me standing up for that means I’m the evil who must be cut off. Fuck I need a job to get out of here.

I tried mega millions tonight. I found a penny, heads side up, minutes before walking into where I bought the ticket. I even filled out my name, let my cat touch the ticket with her feet and put the ticket on the last physical pic I have of me and my g/f at a show. On 3 random picks, I hit the 8 and 15. According to the page, historically the highest my numbers have won was $150. But, I also got 3 random picks for the super lotto, which should have a better chance to win, since 41 states aren’t madly playing it right now. I’m not even asking for the millions, I just want a few thousand. I’m not greedy. This to me still seems a better investment “schools” than giving it to assholes in Wall street that fee even not cashing out a mutual fund.

The song saved by zero, hearing it a lot. After many searches, the meaning of the song seems to be "you can’t go lower than the floor." I still seem to be hitting branches on the way down.

That’s all I got.