Goth girl gone wild

I am 47.

OK, technically I am still 46 but my birthday is next week and I might as well get used to saying 47.

As I was saying….I am 47. The spouse (henceforth to be known as TS) and I have been together 22 years. We never had kids. We do have a cat. But all of the sudden I feel as though I am raising a goth hipster teenage girl. I don’t think I’m equipped for this. Lots of black eyeliner happening.

Here’s the truth: For the most part, I’ve been  processing this change. I guess I’ve also been compartmentalizing as well in order to cope with everything. But there have been little things over the last three weeks that have me thinking I shouldn’t be a part of this process anymore. The first thing is how I was told; on the way to drop them off at the bus stop in the wee hours of the morning. Just a wham, bam, I’m a ma’am! moment that left me alone for hours to process. Then there was the sudden urgency to make this all happen NOW and things to need to happen NOW and the impatience of it all. It’s been three weeks. I am not good at changing 22 years of pronoun and name conditioning to be on top of things all the time. Then today, I saw TS in a different light and I didn’t like what I saw.

Before, he was patient and kind. He was aware of me and communicated with me easily about many things. On the other side, I was aware of his feelings. We got each other. In three weeks, he has become more self centered and  selfish. I realize that when you discover who you are and want to be that person, that being selfish is expected. But at the expense of others? Today, we were walking around the mall (TS still presents as male in public) and I was crabby. I was in a mall, on a Saturday, after Christmas. It was not a fun place. TS was taking my mood personally and I was making it clear it was not them, this was all me. Being crabby. As usual. We went into a candy shop. I realize how lame this story is going to be because it’s about buying candy but work with me and just nod along as though you understand. I went to the counter because they have truffles behind the glass and I wanted some truffles. TS just went to the register and bought some stuff and left. Normally, I would be asked if I wanted something. When I left the store I suppose I had a hurt, confused look on my face that triggered TS into a panic attack.

Look, I feel bad. TS is going through a thing. TS is vulnerable and shit. I get this. I want to be there for them. My question is, how much do I need to be there for them when no one is being there for me? I feel as though I can’t even show my frustration and hurt and confusion and all that because it would trigger something in TS. It’s as though I have to hide myself in order for TS to be happy. And this candy store thing is such a stupid example but it’s a small thing that just opens up so many questions in me.

But I have a plan and I don’t know how I feel about the plan. I am giving this until the end of January and then I will reassess the situation. I want to be supportive. But at the same time, I do not have anyone supporting me. TS now has a whole army of “sisters” that they met on Twitter so that they can talk about things and work through feelings. Because TS has not come out to friends or family, I have no one. Except you. Thank you again for reading. I secretly told my best friend because I needed someone who knows me but I can’t be honest about who I talk to now. Really! This sucks! I am living in a world that is not my own anymore.

I do not want to raise a teenage goth hipster girl. I was that goth girl 30 years ago. I didn’t think this would be it.