Bingo

It’s hard to find the words to describe what is going on. It’s not for a lack of words; there’s an overabundance of them. It’s because in the last 4 and half months my life has changed, the world has changed.

First off, this social distancing, quarantine, stay home thing can just go suck rocks. It’s becoming too much to think about everyday. I woke up this morning and thought it was Tuesday. But what is Tuesday? You get me? To be honest, it hasn’t been that difficult and  I have been handling it pretty well. I have school to focus on. I have many TV, movies, podcasts, and books I have caught up on. It’s just been 5 weeks of the same and I want something different now.

Life with TS isn’t bad. She is so lovely. I am amazed that it’s only been 4 1/2 months since she started transitioning. It’s lovely to see her finally beginning to be her true self and find her way. I belong to a couple groups for spouses with a transitioning partner and there is so much talk about feeling betrayed and losing something. I don’t to either. I feel like this is enhancing our relationship. I still have the occasional moment where I sit on the bathroom floor and cry because I miss my husband. I mean, we have been together 22 years and it’s hard to let go. But I’ve had to not only for her but for me as well. I wouldn’t be a good wife and friend if I didn’t want her to be herself. I also understand I need to worry about myself……and I have…..

Oh geez, I feel so awkward. But I’m dipping my toe into dating, with TS’s blessing, and…..ugh.

Look, I never really dated. Before TS, I was all over the place. Just not going around one block but all the blocks. I wouldn’t call that dating more like sampling different flavors. So this whole dating thing is weird. Then you add the quarantine and I just don’t know. I guess it’s better this way since you can get to really know someone by talking. So much talking.

Also, I don’t think I’m cute. Like I am witty and smart and well spoken and complicated as all get out. But I am not cute. I made the profile and then just metaphorically ran away for a day. When I opened the app, I was shocked that I had so many likes. Then all the compliments. I’ve never been called cute so much in my life. I get that most of these dudes are looking for something more than witty conversation. I know this simply because I’ll say something like, “Hey, how are you? What’s your favorite movie?”, just something simple to start the conversation, right? And then they are like “Come see my hot tub, here’s a dick pic”. And no. Buh-bye. There have been some winners that I’m talking to. But then….there’s one….and I just……..

Am I too old for this? I feel too old for this? I am feeling like that awkward, nerdy girl that I was who talked about books and was always regulated to being the “good friend”. I made the comment to TS that if this was a movie I would be regulated to the pretty girl’s best friend. The comic relief who gave great advice. But with all this I’m finding I’m becoming the lead, that weird manic pixie girl who trips a lot and just makes weird things happen with her words. And this guy….he likes it. I don’t know what to do with that. So  I just smile. And nod.

I really like him. I like him more than I should. I like him in a way that I don’t understand and can’t interpret. It’s so dumb. But we talk all day. Checking in with each other over text or phone or video. And……

He could really hurt me. And I don’t want to be hurt.

It’s so exhilarating. And it’s frightening. It’s confusing. It’s……y’know?

This is a lame statement: I don’t know if he likes me back.

And I don’t know if I want him to like me back.

I actually do.

In other news, so that I can change the subject and stop being so, so awkward, it’s a beautiful day, the sun is out and at least I can go for a walk. As long as I avoid  the other walkers. That is a cardio workout itself. Dodging people, bicyclists and cars. I’m going to do that now.

Thanks, friends!