Award season

The award for 2019 Dad of the Year goes to…..

Listen in your head to the drumrolls……

Not my dad!

Oh my dad.

Yesterday was the big coming out day for TS and I. We talked to the in laws first. They handled and accepted it really well. It was like we told them we bought a new vacuum and things were great. I started to think something was wrong with me. TS then texted their sister. Sis in law handled it great and was happy to now have a sister to trade fashion choices with (not happening! She dresses like a pregnant hooker. Nothing wrong with pregnancy or being a sex worker. Both are things that happen and sometimes need to be seen through to the end. But I’m talking 1978 pregnant hooker in Times Square) and she immediately changed her cell phone contact info from Bro to Sis. At this point, I really thought I was overreacting to the changes.

And then my dad.

Let’s recap: Old school Spanish guy who reluctantly raised a tiny girl and had many, many women  in his life who he was not the nicest to. This did include me on some level but not gratuitous abuse or anything. Just a little emotional abuse, especially from women in his life, and some abandonment. Anyway, I told my dad and his wife. That went not good. I think it’s because they don’t understand what transgender and transitioning really mean. I made sure to point that TS and I are very committed to each other and love each other, that this will take adjustment, that we’re both in therapy. I advised that there are many support groups out there that they can visit for more  information and PFlag is especially good. TS and I recently went to a meeting at a local chapter and it was great. My dad does not listen. And he has that annoying habit of interrupting and talking over people to get his point across. So I quickly ended the call and went about my day.

I bought some cute boots.

Last night, I was hanging out when I get a text from my dad. The gist is that they are worried and he, my step mother and I should get together to come up with a plan for me. They would fly me home or they could fly here and get things sorted out. That I need their help to decide my future.

I’m looking up the road and can see 50 a few miles ahead so I’m not sure why he felt that I needed to figure anything out.

So I made the mistake of calling because as I said at the beginning of the call, “I want to be sure that there is no misunderstandings when it comes to tone”. I should have stuck to texting. It came down to that I need a plan, I need their help, I don’t know what I’m doing, and what I’m doing is a mistake. Anything I said, he talked over me. Any argument I tried, he interrupted.

When I was at the therapist last week, I stated that I looked up the stages of grief and I had felt each one. Except anger. I would love to feel anger. Anger reared it’s ugly head last night in a huge way. I have never talked back to my dad. I have always talked to him with respect, even when he did not deserve it. My entire life I was put aside because he was more interested in a woman or something that interested him. No lie, his second wife would make him choose between me and her. He always chose her because in his mind, he could work on his relationship with me when I was older. Who thinks that about a 12 year old? He did. But he never really worked on anything with me. Just swept everything under a universe sized rug and kept on going.

He told me that TS would leave me and kick me out to the streets. Where would I go then? He told me that TS has never done anything for the family. How could I accept that? He told me that TS was no good for me.

TS has never done anything to me that would be abusive. TS would never leave me because if anything, TS would have left me years ago because of behaviors I have done. And what does TS need to do for the family? TS takes care of me. After a lifetime of feeling as though I was not good enough, TS has let me see my worth and that I am good enough.

And the anger came. And she was loud. And she was vicious. I blacked out from the anger. TS was downstairs and heard me say things such as, “You have always put everyone ahead of me! I was never a priority! You failed!” and “If you can’t support my husband, then you can’t support me!”. I apparently then advised my dad that I was having a panic attack, that I needed a minute and to stop talking to me, that I loved him but he was impossible. I did say goodbye before hanging up. TS found me on the floor and stayed with me until I calmed down.

Today, after much thinking, I realized a few things. My dad is scared. My dad also has a history of running away from relationships when they get hard. My relationship is getting hard, in his mind, it’s time for me to run away before I am dumped. Inside, my dad is a scared little boy who was never taught how to work through things. I had to teach myself.

I am raw today. And sad. And very,very weary.

TS has been great. After the candy store debacle and my mentioning that I did not sign up to raise a teenager, we talked through some things and we’re good. Therapy is helping as well.

As for my mother in law. I spoke again to her last night and she was crying. She is scared for her child to go through this but happy TS is finding some peace with themselves. I told my MIL that I would always be here daughter in law no matter what happens. I also mentioned that her tears were making me happy and helping me feel ok about my feelings now that I knew she wasn’t just HOORAY this is a thing. She laughed at that. She does earn the 2019 Mom of the Year award.