What I’m Afraid Of

What Are You Afraid Of?

I do not not have many of the common fears, such as acrophobia.  I’m more afraid of things most people do not consider scary. I think they all tie in to my fear of pain, mistakes, and hassles, and impact my life in some way.

As a perfectionist, I’m often afraid of making mistakes, not being good enough, and upsetting others. Mistakes often put me in embarrassment and shame.  In a way, fear of speaking in public and being observed is tied into it. Mistakes also make me afraid of being complained, scolded, hit, punished, and hated, which I have faced for many past mistakes. I have a fear of conflict and punishments, especially when they are physical.  I need everything settled, and can not tolerate the pain.

That is why I am not afraid of death, but the process of death. I cannot handle the pain and torture from a gunshot, stab, beating, illness symptoms, and more. I think one of the reasons I don’t fear death is I’ve already accepted the reality that I don’t have a chance to survive, and will not live long. I am not physically strong, so I know I’ll be wiped out by natural selection.

This is related to my phagophobia. All my life, I’ve have problems eating, and would often get an upset stomach, so I hate eating. That has increased my fear of dirty things: I gross out.

Fear of eating has made me eat less and sick sometimes. Illness greatly interferes with life. Since I know I will not survive very long, I tend to do things fast, and fear hassles and things that slow me down. The faster I do things the more I can get done.

Being afraid of conflicts and attacks has also prevented me from seizing some opportunities, and gaining good things. Fear of making mistakes delays accomplishment and learning in some areas. For example, I’m afraid to show my work to the public, and sometimes that is required to proceed to the next step.

In a way, I am afraid of anything associated with bad personalities and making the world a worse place.