AP Tests = Bad Memories

Many high school students, which includes some of you, are taking AP (advanced placement) tests now.  I see and hear people talking about them, especially on the internet, though I try to avoid.  The discussions and materials about AP tests give me bad memories.

The time of AP tests were a big trigger for the death documents in 11th grade.  I already wasn’t doing well in classes and had the constant feeling of rejection, and the classes and review sessions only made me feel worse.  Seeing how everyone knew so much material for the tests while I knew nothing made me feel like an irresponsible idiot, and smart alecs didn’t help.

The way I was doing things were also different from the majority.  Almost everyone missed other classes to study for the AP tests, and if the AP test for the day was scheduled in the morning, they didn’t return to school after lunch.  I seemed to be the only one who didn’t miss classes because of the tests, so I felt I was always doing the wrong things and not being a proper student.

News about my first D right after my last AP test was the final straw.  It confirmed my irresponsibility and pretending to study, so I was very adamant on "firing a bullet in my hear or doing something as destructive as that" after the school year ended.  People bullying, putting me down, acting upset, and playing mind games only made things worse.  All this just made the AP test time for me miserable.

Actually, I also had an AP test in 10th grade, but not many people took it, and things weren’t so bad that year, so I didn’t really have a terrible time.  The triggered bad memories are of 11th grade, not just of that AP test time, but also the whole year since.  Much of the misery I had at that time was related to the other months, too, and it was my worst school year.

I am not upset or blaming you or anyone for triggering the bad memories by talking about AP classes and tests.  I’m just sharing what happened.  It’s not your fault, and you are allowed to talk about them all you want.  In fact, I encourage you to share their bad and good experiences.  Besides, even if you didn’t talk about them, there will always be public sources to remind me, such as AP test prep materials in bookstores.  The most I can do is be glad that I was done with them a long time ago.