we can live beside the ocean

 

 

this might be a happy, hopeful entry for once. 

summer is almost over but i’ve finally started to enjoy it. i’m not enjoying the ten days in a row that i’m currently working, but i take it all in stride. planning for the future makes me happy; actually having an idea of what i want to do makes me feel content and settled. 

the other day i was looking at colleges, specifically in chicago, and after like my TENTH website, i found one that seemed perfect. depaul university. they have a BA and a BS program for psychology, which is amazing for me because i want to get a BA instead of a BS. and they also have a master’s program for it! it’s expensive; around 33k a year but that’s to be expected. it’s located in chicago; there’s a campus right on the loop and one in lincoln park. i don’t know too much about chicago but i know the college of arts and sciences is located in lincoln park. 

i might be getting ahead of myself, but this is where i want to go and i know i’ll get there eventually. i need to work on applying soon and of course, i know i’ll need to apply at other schools just in case.

speaking of school, the new semester starts on august 22nd. in the meantime, the country is from the 2nd-10th. i don’t think anyone realizes how much i love the fair. i grew up in a small town and still live in one and i while i definitely don’t act (or even feel) like a country girl, the fair just brings everyone’s country side. it makes me want to wear cowgirl boots. i love the rides, the sugary lemon drinks, the greasy fries and carb loaded funnel cakes and the smell of horses and all the people and the dust. i love all of those things but what i love most is when the sun goes and all the lights from the grandstand and rides turn on and you’re on the tallest ride and you can see every tree, car, and house for miles. and then you drop back down to the ground. 

and on the 10th i leave for florida! only 11 days. i won’t be writing but i’ll definitely tell you guys all about my trip (with pictures)! after florida sometime, bailey and i are going to get our tattoos. we planned on getting them a couple months ago but bailey chickened out and now we are waiting until summer is mostly over so we don’t risk sunburn. 

the other day, i heard an ad on the radio about michael buble going on tour! i looked it up on ticketmaster and there’s a showing in st. louis (like an hour and a half away from me) on september 14th. i asked a couple people to go with me and now bailey, tiffany, and i are going. i’m so excited! 

now, i need to talk about saturday. this part of the entry is going to be sexually graphic (!!!) and if anything about that will bother you, i wouldn’t recommend reading it.

on saturday night i heard about a party happening, located about 15 minutes north of the town i live. tiffany, jenna, and i headed out there at around 10:30 and the party was in full swing by then. it was on some rich guy’s ranch and it was so deep in the country that it’s impossible for it to get busted. there were a ton of people there i didn’t know, but it didn’t bother me. 

i brought with me an entire bottle of wine (inside of a water bottle – the best water bottle) and we had asked some guy to get alcohol for us but he didn’t! so i mooched from pineapple rum from a girl named ashlee and mixed it with lemonade (sounds disgusting but it wasn’t bad). i did meet a few new people but for the most part, i hung out with the people i already knew. i saw a few old classmates that i haven’t seen since grad and it was nice. 

i ended up getting REALLY drunk. i was snapchatting all night and this past week i’ve actually been snapchatting this guy named aaron regularly and he was at the party. i bumped into him and we talked for a couple minutes but i didn’t necessarily get good vibes from him…he’s cute and seems nice but i don’t think he is attracted to me. 

anyway, i also met a guy named austin. i don’t remember meeting him or even talking to him that much. all i seem to remember is all of a sudden; I WAS MAKING OUT WITH HIM. and after that we walked around the party together looking for people and he was holding my hand and had his arm around me. 

around 2am i said i was tired and wanted to go to the car to sleep and he said he was too. i foolishly took him with me and he tried getting into the backseat with me but i wouldn’t let him. in the back of my mind i knew what was going to happen. the second we sat down in the front (me in driver’s seat and him in the passenger’s seat), he started kissing me. he wasted no time in unbuttoning my shorts and putting his hand in my underwear. he had a finger (or maybe two) inside of me before i knew what was going on. i didn’t say anything because i didn’t necessarily want him to stop, but he also wasn’t very good at either. somehow, though, i was moaning into his mouth. 

let me just be honest: i’ve masturbated plenty of times. i don’t feel the need to mention it on here but i know what feels good and what doesn’t. i know i’m definitely not experience at ALL when it comes to sex but let’s just say i figured he would know what he was doing. maybe i thought that because he was actually really hot. 

anyway…he didn’t finger me very long. he undid his own pants and i don’t know who made the first move. he either pushed my head towards his dick or i just decided i was going to give him a blowjob…but either way, it happened. i’ve never given a blowjob but the way he was moaning and pulling my hair, i guess he liked it. he kept pushing my head down so i would deepthroat him, and that uncomfortable. i always thought i wouldn’t ever give someone a blowjob but to be honest, it wasn’t bad at all. it was actually kind of hot with the way he was squeezing my ass while i sucked on his dick. 

he kept whispering "come here" and i know he wanted to have sex; but i would either ignore him or say no. i told him i was a virgin and he just told me knew. i don’t know if he just said it because he had nothing else to say or if he actually knew, but whatever. and then suddenly the car door opened and it was tiffany…she saw me giving him a blowjob. i pulled away from him and i was just immediately so embarrassed. 

i hooked up with some random guy! i never do anything like that! soon after that i just made him leave (in a nice and apologetic way) and he kept kissing me and saying that my friends were assholes. he told me not to be sorry and finally left. i feel kind of bad that i left him hanging because he didn’t come, but then again i don’t owe him anything. so maybe i’m a little bit of a tease. and maybe i kind of wish i’d gone farther with him? but that could be because i’m horny. 

i started crying when tiffany came back. she hugged me and reassured me it was okay. jenna told me she was proud because duh, blowjob. i drove us home because at that point i was mostly sober and i didn’t want to face anyone else at the party after that. as far as i know…everyone knows we made out but i HOPE they don’t know what we did in the car. i’m not too worried about having a bad reputation; i just don’t want to hear about it. 

this entry is so long! i’m mostly writing all about the experience so i can get it out of my head (i can’t really sto

p thinking about it) and if you read it all; i love you. 

oh! i also need to mention that last week my dad and i went to a cardinals baseball game in st. louis and when the kiss cam came on and some guy proposed to his girlfriend on camera. i almost died from the cuteness. 

GOODBYE.