16:48-16:48
June 23, 2005
Jeff,
I used to wish on every candle, on every star, on every sheet of paper that I would find someone to love me that I could love back. I stopped having to wish the moment I met you. You know how every time I told you I was trying to make a wish and I couldn’t? Well, that’s because I have to make a new one, you see you made my other wish come true. If I hadn’t of met you, I would still be wishing. Now that I’ve finally had you I realize I want you for the rest of my life but I’m not ready for that yet. This trip is meant to help me find my life. And when I find it, I can finally invite you into it. I can finally include you in everything I love and that makes me look forward to the future more than I have in a long time. You’ve inspired me to believe so much. You made me believe that I could be loved and that I was beautiful. You made me believe that life was worth living and that I could make something of it. And you made me believe that I could finally share all of that with someone. I know I’ve been hard to get along with and I’ve made happiness in the relationship an almost impossibility. I’ve spent so much time not being happy with the way you were and not accepting you because I wasn’t used to the way you did things I didn’t realize all your sacrifices and all your trials. It was completely opposite of how I did things. You had your own life and I was shaky about entering into it. I was so nervous and I entered too fast. I wasn’t ready for the relationship because I wasn’t ready to face another person when I couldn’t even face myself. You made me realize over and over again all of this and yet I still couldn’t see it. It wasn’t until I noticed my depression deepening and my anger booming that I realized I needed to get away for awhile. I love you so much that I want to be better for you and I want to be better for myself. I want to love you for all that you are, all your errors and ways, all your mistakes, all your romantic gestures and spontaneous moments, all your wilderness walks. I want to love you so much that we can finally be happy together and apart. You helped me realize that before I can have someone I need to have me. Even sexually, you’ve helped me. I’ve realized I never explored, ever. I never found my spots and if I can’t find them how could anyone else? You’ve made me see that I need to be more outspoken about my thoughts and desires. You gave me someone to talk to even though I never did and you made me part of your life from the beginning. You stepped into my heart with open arms and no intention of hurting me. You became the missing piece I needed to complete a puzzle. A puzzle of a long life ended and a new life beginning. Now I can start a new puzzle with you as the first piece.
I want you to know that I don’t expect you to call me out there every day, but do know that I probably will call you, because I don’t want to go a day without hearing your voice, even if it’s just to say goodnight. That way I can feel that much closer. I hope during this time you can find what you lost while you were with me and that you can regain all the relationships that may have been lost while I was around. I hope that these next few months you can find true happiness again. Most of all, I hope during this time you don’t decide to leave me and I hope you decide that you still want to be with me when I get back. I hope that everything can be straightened out and renewed and we can be that much better together and apart.
I am so glad that I’ve met you and I do not regret a single moment of this learning experience. I thank you for so much and you are truly the strongest person I’ve met in a long time besides my mom. I love you more than I, a writer, could ever write.