Tired.

I’m beyond exhausted; I’m past spent in every way possible, yet I keep going.

I work just to pay bills, living paycheck to paycheck, never sure I’ll have enough money to make it to next pay period. I’m thankful to have a roof over my head, a place to sleep every night, and a heart and life filled with love… but sometimes I can’t help but wonder if all of this fighting is in vain. Am I really fighting for something that will be worth it in the end? I just don’t know, and that’s the hard part because you never really will know what your destiny is until it smacks you in the face; so, endlessly, I keep on keeping on.

Saturday night after Johnny gets off of work, we’re driving the 11 hour drive to Wisconsin to spend Christmas with my family. Everyone keeps beaming at me, asking me how excited I am or just blatantly telling me, "Oh, I bet you’re just thrilled!" Well, yes, I am… I’m excited to spend some time with my family, but at the same time I’m dreading it is so many ways. I know it’s going to be hard to leave after spending just a week with them; it has been 7 months since I’ve seen everyone last, after all. Seven months, already… Wow… Then there’s the never ending money battle, let’s just say I don’t have much money to get there and back and then pay some bills and put money toward rent when I get back… I know everything usually takes care of itself, but it’s just hard not to worry. Then there’s the weather, and I hope and pray that the roads will be clear for our travels. I could just keep going, and don’t get me wrong, I DO want to go… But I’m just beyond stressed.

I guess I’m just at a hard spot in my life; I just feel like a flock of birds are just attacking me, picking at what little I do have.

So, yes, everyone I am alive. I’m living off the cheapest meals possible, putting $5 into my gas tank at time, and just winging it. It’s hard, it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, but I’ll survive.

I just hope I can actually make it to see my family, hopefully I’ll have enough money. I guess we’ll just see.