Stretch Armstrong

I feel like Stretch Armstrong.

There are two great inlflueces pulling on me right now, neither giving up, but each are wearing me thin. I know that no matter if I chose to stay in Pennsylvania or move back to Wisconsin to be with my family, there will be a huge part of me that will never be complete.

Since Johnny and I have gotten back. I have been pushing him away. It’s not really intentional, but at the same time it’s kind of needed. My heart is an emotional blur, I can’t quite understand how I feel, it’s like I’m lost within myself. To be completely honest, even to myself, for a while there I was wondering if I had lost feelings for him. Today on my lunch, though, I sat in my car and just allowed myself to think freely for the first time in what feels like months.

Johnny has been, and always will be, the absolute love of my life; he completes me and knows me in ways nobody else could, myself included. Our relationship has changed over time, as all relationships do, and I have found myself longing for the fairy tale beginning we once had. Sometimes I feel as though life has shifted too far out if course to regain balance, and I’m afraid that one more misstep will send us falling down to nothing. But my thoughts this afternoon had transformed my heart into butterflies; the love I have for Johnny is strong and alive… I’m just going through a rough patch myself.

One of the things I pride myself for, and quite possibly the only thing I pride myself for, is having this natural ability to live life for the day at hand. Lately, it’s been harder to do that… I guess I really just realized what I’m missing out on being so far away from my family. Still, I can’t start fogging my mind with the "what ifs" and the "could bes." I need to get myself back on track and quit worrying about the future; life will happen regardless.