Paper

I’ve been writing a lot lately, not in a virtual world, but rather with a pen and paper. Imagine that. Paper? What’s paper? I’m afraid to post some of the things I have written because it’s not in my usual style. In fact, it’s a bit controversial and is in my viewpoint of this country that I don’t willingly share.

I keep going from feeling like I’m in complete bliss, to feeling like I have an iv of fear pumping into my veins, and back to feeling so utterly content with my life.

I read bits and pieces of one of my old journals a few nights ago and again the following morning. Reminiscing the moments of when I fell so deeply in love with Johnny, when I first moved so far away from my family, it hurt. I was shocked by my feelings of hurt, because it wasn’t hurt in a heartbreaking sense… It hurt because all of those feelings of love that I’ve learned to push aside came rushing back all at once. We were laying in bed, side by side, and I opened to a random page and began reading… Line for line, word for word, and I began to choke. Tears brimmed my eyes because here we are. We’re still here, we’re still together, and it’s been nearly four years. Four years.

A lot has changed in four years, but yet not really.

Some days I’m so hopeful and some days I have no ounce of hope left in me. Maybe I need some medication again. Ha.