Nerves and Heartbreak

After not biting my nails for quite some time, I started up again. It seems, I’m just a bundle of nerves and anxiety.
It’s not so much about Christmas and not being able to provide gifts for anyone anymore, it’s just this time of year.
I don’t know what it is, but this year just gets me down and makes me feel like I’m crumbling inside.

It’s been a year since Johnny’s mom passed away. It breaks my heart on many different levels.
I miss her. She’s a big part of what got me through my first experience living away from home, not only that, but she’s also a very important role in what inspired me to go back to school to become a neonatal nurse. For her, I will pursue my dreams and work harder than I ever have in my life. She always made me feel welcome and loved, especially when I needed it the most, and I could never thank her enough for that. It’s just so sad that she’s gone.

A year ago, my life was in such a different place, I never pictured being back in Wisconsin. I’m not even remotely happy with how things have turned out in my life, but it is what it is and I can only press on. More importantly, though, I will never forget the last real time I had with her. We were all in the kitchen, Johnny was working on the pipes for the winter, and his mom and I were baking chocolate chip cookies because Christmas was right around the corner. At that time, it felt like home, it felt like Christmas, and I am happy to have that memory. Of course, the cookies turned out awful because his mom forgot to grease the cookie sheets, but it was a nice memory to keep of her. It’s just so sad to think that her life was coming to an abrupt end.

Life is just so unfair sometimes. I guess I’ll never understand why such a good person was cheated out of a full lifetime, and why such a good person would be subject to losing his mother at such a young age. My heart aches for him. More than anything, I want to be with him at this very trying time of the year. I know he would love to have someone to listen to him and have someone to fall back on when things get too hard for him to handle. I know he wants to be held while he just cries for a while. I’d love to be there for him, but it’s impossible. It frustrates me to no end.

Sometimes, I just get so angry at the world. That’s not to say that I don’t believe in God, but there’s so much more to my opinions. Ugh.

My heart is just so empty, it would just be easier to say that the place where my heart should be is vacant. Johnny has it, because Johnny owns it… But right now, I would like to have a bit of him in that place right now. I need a little bit of Johnny to fill the void that can only be cured by him.

Rest in Peace, Peggy. Thank you for being there for me in a time when I needed it. I will do my best to take care of your son, if it is my place to do so. I do believe that time will bring us together, and much closer than we were before. I hope to make you proud. I love you.