How it All Fell Apart

I can’t really pinpoint a time when it really all started to fall apart, but if I’m honest, I’m sure it was in the first few months of our relationship. There’s a lot of truth in letting something go when it’s nothing but a struggle, and I should have, but I held on to those good moments like they were going to be the last breath I ever took. What finally brought our relationship to an end, though, was a break I had decided to take in November of 2016. Being an online student, I was constantly at McDonald’s to do my homework (because it was the best internet connection in town and we did not have internet at home). During that time, I met someone who allowed me to realize that other people exist outside of Johnny. He was the general manager of the store and also trained people to become general managers as well; he had his life together in ways that Johnny never did, and he was kind and genuine. Now, nothing happened between him and I – even on the break I took from Johnny, but I needed that time to readjust myself. Johnny and I did get back together after that break, but the damage was already done; he had met someone online who would eventually cause him to break up with me. And if I’m being honest, I should have broken up with Johnny myself. I had every opportunity to, but I was afraid to make that jump because leaving Johnny meant moving back to Wisconsin, and doing that would mean a permanent end between us.

Earlier today I took a good half hour to look over some of my reclaimed entries. Some told me I shouldn’t, but there was so much relief in realizing how far I’ve come. Johnny got me into this blackhole of depression, constantly feeling like I was worthless, and that without him, I was nothing. It wasn’t just one moment that made me feel that way, it was his constant need to flirt with girls behind by back, get their phone numbers and text them, and who knows what else. There was at least one time he cheated on me, and I found out by responding to one of his texts while he was asleep. I woke him up, talked to him in a flat, calm voice, and he still tried to deny it. Later on, I found out he paid her off to get an abortion, even though he never thought she was pregnant. But if I was ever concerned about how he was acting, I was the “crazy” one. All of his actions were always pointed back at me, as if I was the one who was doing wrong. He even went as far to say, “Why would I marry someone like you who can’t even cook or clean?” But that living situation made it impossible to do either, I tried to keep the peace between his father because if one thing was left out of place in the kitchen you swear it would be WWIII. As for the cleaning, we were living in a musty, moldy, dingy basement with no closets – the only place I had to put my stuff was on a bookshelf and in one small dresser. Would anyone be happy living in a dungeon like that?

I was manipulated, used, gas-lighted, and kept in seclusion. He emotionally abused me and controlled me to the point where I did not know how to exist without him. I had no friends; hell, I wouldn’t even have known HOW to make friends, so my daily routine was wake up, go to work, do homework, lay in bed, repeat. Day after day.

After a 7 year relationship that ended in December of 2016, it took me nearly a year and a half to cut him out completely, but he’s been out of my life completely for about a month now. We stopped talking after the break up, but eventually continued to talk as friends. I went out to visit him a few times, thought I still loved him, and he came to visit me. I thought he had changed, I thought there was still love in my heart for him, but I was mistaken. Johnny is a narcissistic asshole, the only “love” I had was the fear of being nothing without him – he STILL had that control over me, and there was no way it was ever truly going to work out.

Life is peaceful now, and wonderful things have happened since my eyes have been cleared. It’s terrifying how one person can consume your entire life to the point where you are blinded.

Until next time,

Sam