Hospital

Sometimes I think I need to be put into a hospital or medicated for some of the thoughts I have. I’ve been battling anorexia or bulemia to lose weight, which I know is a horrible idea. I get that it’s not just about losing the weight, it’s about becoming healthy too, but I’m tired of comparing myself to every female I see in public, I’m tired of trying clothes on and immediately taking them off because of the way they cling to my skin. I’m tired of being fat! I also don’t trust anyone, and that means everybody including Johnny, and I hate it. I hate everyone who has broken my trust in the past because they helped make me the way I am now, in that regard. I feel like everyone looks at me with disgust or critical eyes, and that impairs my ability to make friends. My self-confidence is the size of a pea… Squashed. Honestly, I’ve only been seeing the bad things in everything, and it’s making me insane, miserable, and depressed. I know things aren’t bad. Things are actually quite good in my life right now, and if I want to lose weight I need to get healthier and exercize. I get that. But man, my emotions and moods are a vicious cycle of darkness. I’ve never admitted any of this before, and I’m kind of glad I’m letting it out.