Doubt.

I’m laying in the darkness of my bedroom, the only light coming from the screen of my laptop, and I’m thinking about a lot of things. I have the tendency to over-think everything, so maybe this isn’t such a great idea, but I wouldn’t be me if I wasn’t analyzing everything… So here we are.

I’ll be completely, wholeheartedly, honest for a second here… I have to admit it to the public, and most importantly, to myself.

I’ve been doubting my place out here in Pennsylvania.

Like I said previously, I’m over-analytical about everything. Well, let’s just back up for a second – let me explain.

Johnny and I just got back from roller-skating not too long ago. He decided that he was going to go home, back to his dad’s house, because tonight is his night to stay there. (He stayed over last night, he goes home tonight, and tomorrow night will be our night once again.) Maybe I’m wrong, but I feel like I don’t matter as much to him as everything else – his racecar, the Jeep, his cats, his stupid video game… Lately it’s been the dragster taking up all of his time, but now that it can no longer be used as an excuse… Nothing has changed. On my nights with him he still comes over at 8 or 9, after he does his "work" after work… He’s always got something that is more important than me. I even tried talking to him about it, maybe I went about it the wrong way, but he just gets upset with me. That’s kind of been our routine lately… I get upset, I try talking about it, he gets upset, we both get more upset, and we go to sleep.

So we went roller-skating tonight… I thought it supposed to be a nice little date for us to get together and spend some quality time because we don’t really get a chance to. At least lately it’s been hard. But as I’m leaving, someone that he works with texts him. Actually, it’s a girl I’m not too fond of – she’s just a bitch… Anyway, she texts him and I ask him why she’s texting him… Especially because it was 10:30pm. Then he says to me, "Well, I invited everyone from work to come skating with us." Nobody showed up, though, which is whatever… but the fact that he invited people he worked with, didn’t tell me, and tells me AFTER we leave. I guess I was just under the impression that it was supposed to be *us* time.

Maybe I just don’t feel special enough.
Maybe it’s because I don’t feel like I am enough.
Maybe it’s because I’m tired, it was a long week, and I’m just getting over my period.
Maybe my feelings are valid.
Maybe I’m just paranoid.

Maybe I should go to bed.

Ugh.