Inside My Head!!
I thought I would write this entry to fully explain the kind of chaos that goes on inside my head at any given moment… Basically the complete and TOTAL truth about me… The good, the bad, and the ugly…
My Truths:
Just because I am nice to you does not mean I actually like you… I generally don’t like confrontations (I find them to be exhausting) so I play nice to keep the peace so to speak… If I ever do tell you exactly what I think of you it usually means you have royally pissed me off and my give a fuck switch has flipped…
I have 9 official mental health diagnoses that were diagnosed when I was going to therapy (by BOTH a therapist and a psychiatrist)…
- Borderline Personality Disorder
- Bi-Polar
- Sadism
- Masochism
- PTSD (Post Tramatic Stress Disorder)
- Major Anxiety Disorder
- Major Depressive Disorder
- ADHD
- OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder)
I will most likely never tell you what I REALLY think of you… It ties in with my dislike of confrontations and the fact I don’t like hurting people (the only time I get pleasure out of hurting people is when they have either hurt me or severely pissed me off)… I have been hurt too many times in life to want to actually hurt someone I care about…
I replay significant events over and over again in my head… I will take any given situation and replay it in various ways… I will usually constantly talk about those events because of this… Playing out the many ways it could have gone and what I could have done/said differently… I become obsessed with it… Until the next event comes along and distracts me…
I worry and stress about every little thing… I don’t even need to have a good reason… I don’t know how to not worry… Apparently I have been this way my whole life…
I can’t stand when people bitch and complain a lot… I hate negativity… It brings me down… I also don’t believe bitching about situations are going to change anything… BUT I bitch and complain a lot myself… Probably why I don’t like when other people do it… Cause I try to stop myself and if someone else bitches it makes me start to as well…
I am a hypocrite… I usually don’t like when people do things I am guilty of doing myself… I don’t know why… It just gets under my skin…
I am easily annoyed… I generally don’t like people _(with a few exceptions) _so it doesn’t take much for people to get on my nerves… This is one of the many reasons why I hardly hang out with people anymore (as a kid and a teen I hung out with a lot of people all the time)…
I am a severely jaded person… I always expect the worst from people… Largely based on the many bad experiences in my life…
I don’t like giving advice… I find that people as a whole rarely ever listen to advice… In the end they are going to do what they want to do anyways… Myself included… So why waste the time?
I am extremely paranoid… I am constantly worried that people are mad at me or think negatively about me… I have a horrible self-image… Plus being paranoid is part of having a borderline personality disorder… In general I always feel like people just tolerate me…
I honestly have no idea why people like being around me… I can’t stand being around myself most of the time so I don’t see what others see in me…
I am COMPLETELY comfortable with being a hermit… I don’t have to deal with people (other then my husband and kids) when I don’t leave my house… Considering people put me on edge this works for me…
I don’t like myself very much… I spent most of my life screwing up and having people criticize me for every little mistake I made that I am completely certain that I am always going to disappoint people…
I am the black sheep of my family… In fact I am fairly certain that most of my family doesn’t even like me… Mostly because I wasn’t a good person growing up… I made a lot of mistakes… Good portion of them can’t seem to get their heads out of their asses long enough to see that I am not that teenager anymore… Some of them even blame me for things my daughter did/said… Even if I was the one who ultimately put an end to it…
I can really hold a grudge… I will tell you it’s ok and that I forgive you… But when you piss me off I can guarantee I will throw what ever it was back in your face out of anger… I usually don’t mean it (depending on what it is)… I forgive easily enough but I never forget…
Once I make up my mind about someone… I rarely ever change it…
If I don’t want to hear what you have to say… I usually won’t listen (but I will pretend to)… You can say it… But I will most likely be thinking about something else while you’re talking… I can be pretty selfish and closed-minded like that at times… I am not sure why I am like that…
I get on my own nerves…
I argue with myself sometimes…
If I make up my mind to help someone… I do… No matter what it costs me in some cases…
I get upset easily… I tend to take a lot of things personally… Even if it has nothing to do with me…
My feelings get hurt easily and then I get angry because my feelings got hurt…
I hate when people I offer to help don’t take me up on my offer… Makes me feel like they don’t think I am good enough…
My Psoriasis bothers me a hell of a lot more then I let people think it does… I just hide how I really feel about it…
When someone offends me or insults me I will say it’s ok… But I won’t mean it… Chances are I will snap off about it later in the privacy of my own home…
The only person in my life who knows how I truly feel about people is my husband… I tell him everything (sometimes not right away but eventually he gets told everything)… I tell him exactly what I think about what people are doing and how they are…
I have this bad habit of not listening to my husband… He can give me advice about something and I don’t listen til someone else tells me the same thing… I have NO IDEA why this is… It’s not that I don’t value his opinion because I do… It’s like there is a switch in my head that just doesn’t turn on when he is advising me… Although sometimes he will tell me something and I will be considering it… But I wait til someone else verifies it til I take action so to speak… I really don’t know why this is and it bugs me… I wish it would stop…
I absolutely HATE when people judge my marriage… It’s my marriage not theirs… It works for me… That is all that matters… I don’t care if you understand it or not… You’re not the one who has to live in it… My marriage has lasted 11 years so far and we have been together for 15 years… So we must be doing something right…
I don’t completely trust any one… Not even myself…
I am terrified of change… I am always afraid that the change will cause the proverbial shoe to drop…
If I am afraid of something I don’t want to hear about it… It’s why I don’t like talking about politics all that much (but I will discuss parts of it)… I am terrified of what could happen to our lives and freedoms… I try to stay in the dark so to speak…
I am terrified of death but I am also terrified of living…
I am A LOT more mentally fucked up then people think I am…
I think I am a horrible friend… I have this constant feeling of just not being enough for people…
I hate being criticized… Truly… It pisses me off… Even when I don’t show it…
If someone doesn’t agree with a decision I make or an action I take I shut down on them… I will act like I care what they are saying… But inside I am thinking to myself how much they just don’t get it… There is usually a reason behind something I am doing and to me it’s completely justified…
I honestly believe no one understands me…
I talk about my life a lot… I don’t do it for sympathy… I couldn’t give a flying fuck if someone feels sorry for me or even if they admire me… I hate pity and I am not out for their approval… I do it to try to get people to understand how truly fucked up I am… So that when I act off (believe me I will) they understand why I am so different at that moment or why I react certain ways…
I tend to vent about shit A LOT... I don’t do it to gain anything from someone… I do it cause while I am venting I am usually working through it in my head… It’s just how I work…
I have a complicated relationship with my parents… I both love and hate them… I will always love them obviously… But I do hate them a little for some decisions they made (or things they would say) when I was younger… Even if I understand some of it… I still resent it…
I have no problem cutting people out of my life… If I start to feel they are harming me, my life, or my opinion of myself I would much rather cut ties then constantly try to justify or make excuses for them… I tend to not tell them either… I just cut ties and vanish so to speak… I know it’s a pussy move and I am working on that… But it’s just something I do… I don’t like myself enough as it is… I don’t need any one else making me feel even more worthless…
I am great at making excuses… Truly… If there was an award for most made excuses… I would win it…
Just because I don’t visit you often or talk to you much does not necessarily mean I don’t like you… Half of it is I don’t want to be a burden so I won’t visit a lot out of fear of wearing out my welcome… The other half is I get completely wrapped up in various things I am doing at that particular time and everything else just kind of falls to the background… Trust me it doesn’t mean I don’t care_ (I usually check out your Facebook to see what you’re up to and how life is treating you)_…
It bothers me that I have to go to people’s houses to see them… I feel like there is something wrong with me or my home when no one seems to come visit me and it upsets me (makes me feel unimportant and expendable)… Even if I don’t say anything about it I can guarantee it’s on my mind… I get people get busy, have their own lives, and whatnot… But it would be nice if they would come visit sometimes… I am generally not comfortable outside of my house… But I do occasionally venture out to visit friends… Hell even a 5 minute visit would make a world of difference most of the time…
I am a glutton for punishment… I can know exactly how something is going to turn out and yet will do it anyways… It’s like they say:
“The definition of insanity is repeatedly doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome…”
My past effects me a hell of a lot more then I let on it does… There are just some things I will probably never get past… It’s just how it is…
I tend to snap if I feel pressured… I can handle pressure to a certain extent… But once I am pushed too far I completely lose it…
Ok I think that is most of it… I am sure there is more that I am not thinking of but I feel this is long enough…
Here here for being a Hermit!
Warning Comment