Day Of Sadness!!

Well I informed my son he had to go… It was a sad and incredibly hard thing to do… But if I had backed down like a part of me wanted to then what example would that have set for my other 2 children?!?

But because he is my son and I love him very much I made sure he had a place to go… It is winter after all and no way did I want him on the streets… I told him that should he finally learn to grow up and how to be responsible for himself plus his actions then we can revisit him living here again… But he will have to of made some major changes… For one having a job and actually keeping it beyond 30 days… Also he has to stop stealing… Well he has to stop breaking the law all together but shop-lifting is what he was arrested for again… But I firmly believe in second chances… He just has to show he deserves one…

Despite everything… It was still heartbreaking to have him go… I know he isn’t living very far from us but the house feels a bit emptier without him in it… Even my husband who was the original one to say he had to go was sad… We are in totally different states of mind right now… My husband (completely out of character) was being clingy and wanting me around all day… I on the other hand wanted to be alone… Both feelings completely contradicting the other… But because I knew he was in pain I stepped outside of myself and my dark space… I kept him company… Went with him to Pecatonica while he worked on the car’s muffler… Sat in the dusty warehouse (which is not easy cause I am allergic to dust) and tried to keep his mind occupied so he wouldn’t feel so bad… Then once we got back home I was able to get my peace and quiet to myself…

My daughter was really upset cause my son was gone before she even woke up… He told me to give her a hug for him since he wasn’t able to wake her (she can sleep pretty hard sometimes)… She loves her older brother but she understood why we had to do what we did… Which I found slightly surprising considering she rarely agrees with anything we say or think… My youngest son was upset I could tell but he is more of the suffer in silence type… He was after all the one who shared a room with him… So his loss was probably greater felt then ours (cause the loss is more obvious to him since they walled themselves up in their room most of the time)… But he isn’t much of the voice his pain type of kid… He pretty much just did his chores then lost himself in video games for the remainder of the day… But I know under it all he is pretty sad… I can see it in his eyes…

I know I keep referring to it as a “loss” when I guess most wouldn’t see it that way cause we will still see him when he visits and he isn’t that far away… But to us it feels like a loss… He is our family… He was a part of this little unit in our home and now he is no longer living here… So to us it a loss of sorts…

I get that he is 18… But he will always be my “kid” no matter what his age is… Kids have a way of driving you absolutely insane… But you’re still sad when they leave…

*sighs* I swear sometimes being a mom is the hardest thing to be on the planet…????

*sidenote* I am VERY happy that OD is back (I had a diary on here for 10 years before) but am I the only one who misses how customizable it was before?!? The way we could make it 100% unique with the use of html?!? I dunno I guess I just like customizing things… But I am glad it’s back… I have missed it… It was always “home” to me…