this month and last night

III.

time is impermanent.  it rushes by weeks and months at a time, that feel like seconds. 

it won’t slow down for the sake of breath. and quiet.

when I wake from sleep, I don’t know where I am.  It takes several moments for the panic to subside.  for my mind to remember where it left it’s body.  speeding blurrily by.  too fast to catch up.

if I blink today, will my eyes open 3 years from now, in a new place with new people and no hope of reconciling what happened while I was asleep?

august to september to almost october.  november december christmas before I can understand where it’s all disappearing to.  what happened to today?  to this week? this month? 

was it music and dancing in a house that belongs to a stranger saturday night live quotes and tiny invisible men on the edge of beer cans missed rendezvous’, and sneakers left behind tim and matt and bryan and the backhouse guitars blazers with short sleeves moccasins and becky car washes and arboretums and hot in the village swing dance and dates with adam no spark ccm and the quad new faces in large groups looking terrified; excited looking at this and not knowing what they’re getting into ice breakers, tears, stray cats stars like home asking for more praying for more searching for something more grandparents and parents and mothers and fathers talking to jason starting new like I did like we all did like we all remember and feel a certain nostalgia for don’t want to go back to that market one with Katie and Chelsea the lake willows that grow with branches reaching for the ground, never touching it stopping right before they take root again hugging my friend while she cries because she wants more; because she feels empty strange couples being inappropriately affectionate in public telling things that are real to people who are real swimming as fast as possible to pass the test hyperventilating into an inhaler but it doesn’t help walk in the door drop things on the floor pick up other things leave again don’t be late don’t forget anything it’s a responsibility you agreed to you want this so you always have you asked oh god slow me down slow me down

slow me down

my head is spinning.