the general malaise

I find myself missing meaningful conversation.  About work, about life, about people, the content isn’t really so important.  Since I’ve stopped making visits to the basement, I really haven’t had any of those.  Not with anyone here in Seattle.  Which is alright I guess.  It’s certainly a different thing than it used to be, but the isolation that I feel–i’m not sure what to do with it.  It’s not a bad thing, but no matter what, there’s some part of a person that wants to have human connections, even if just for a moment.  Those basement conversations were good for that. 
 
I’ve been having a recurring impluse to post on craig’s list a personal add for afteroon coffee.  Just so that I can sit with someone and have a conversation without expectation, without the baggage of time or assumption.  Without any qualifiers or motives and on and on.  But I realize, that sort of thing is a silly fantasy; not perfect by means.  It might only take a simple "hello" before any or all of the things I’ve been hoping to avoid could materialize.  The existentialist vaccuum is certainly pulling its weight these days.
 
At this point I wonder what to do with myself.  I can only remain in solitary for so long before I become restless.  Isn’t it by other people that we are challenged, and should be?  Isn’t that the only way to make ourselves better–even when it’s uncomfortable at times, or disquiting?  Hopefully no one seeks those things in being with others, but we have to acknowldege that it is a part of our personal growth.  When the restlessness of being alone becomes too much for me, and I throw in my lot with people, my flaws can take on an ugly shape. It seems my desires are kept at bay for so long that in an instant, they overpower my heart of being.  It’s a mystery as to where and when this will happen; it’s never consistent.  But I find, at times, I am shocked to hear the things I say.  When I leave people to return to myself, I feel more alone than when I came to them. 

I feel a pull, yet again, to run.  I said something recently about the challenge of long-standing relationships…  The longer one knows a person, the harder it is to hide those demons.  My vacation can’t come soon enough.
 
I was doin’ alright for awhile there.  I thought so, anyway.  The honesty of the walk I had the other week helped me see a lot of things about my life here more clearly.  And it is good.  Mistakes, indeed, are human.
 
The purpose of this note is reality.  But I wonder, do I see it?