that’s when i miss you
brother you know it is
such a long road we been working on
oh it is, it is
the days are long, and somehow they pass still
as quick as my hands try to capture the moments behind the click and wind of the camera
the gaps of conversation,
dances
kisses
walks to the bus
bike rides down nineteenth avenue
lyrics of songs sung to strangers passing on the street
some stopping to say hello
to listen
to watch
to smile,
or maybe just wonder why I’m standing there,
singing my songs
and I guess I wonder too.
I wonder about the time I have, and the time I don’t
I wonder about the people I know now, and the ones I"ve known before
I wonder why and how it is that everything I say seems like a cliche, and yet I grasp for original thought
i think i’m somehow special, and different. unique.
I wonder what it is that I’m searching for; what it is that I really want
I wonder why I feel like everything I do, I don’t do for me. I don’t do them for peace or becoming.
It seems at times, I do them for other people, for image, for status and self-importance.
I’m a walking advertisement for myself; my ego right there on my sleeve;
"look at my beauty, look at my originality, look at my ablity, my mind, my music, my heart, my mouth and my face. see what I am, and praise it, lift it up, make me important in you life."
what does that even mean? Is anything genuine anymore? Is anything done or said without some striving for validation behind it? How hard is it to just be?
the balance.
oh but you know I am so weary
and you know my heart, my heart’s been broken down
sometimes sometimes my mind is too strong
to carry on
too strong, too strong
to carry on
it seems impossible. or perhaps it’s just that I don’t know what balance is. It’s difficult to become something you know nothing about. it’s difficult to define something you’ve never experienced, and what’s more, take it on yourself as a real true value. more than a value–an actual part of the whole. a part of the body as much as is the hands, the feet, the heart, or even as much as the intangible parts of self we identify with. how to become humility when i don’t know how to become anything. I don’t know how to become detached, I don’t know how to become love i don’t know how to "become" peace or light or forgiveness or acceptance or inclusivity. I don’t know how to become what I am, and embrace it–to be rid of cares for self in a sense of ego. for how i look to the outside world, how i do in a group setting, how i reflect that back to my family, friends, my job, my everything. how to just be? i have no idea.
my desires of ego are obstructing my ability to be my best self.
I need to stop acting on thoughts as they come to my mind. to let life roll by, be a part of it, but let it stand on it’s own. not trying to "make my mark." to remember what i do know–happiness isn’t something to work for in the external sense. it’s not something you can "get." it just is. and happiness isn’t even the word i’m looking for at all. the fullness. the light. the best of everything. not without struggle or hard things that happen to anyone and everyone regardless of how close they come to the light. but i know this–it is already there. it is. I have only to uncover it. it is burried somewhere in the recesses of my heart and soul. and it seems, at times, that i burry it deeper every day. but some days, it stays the same. and in rare moments of self, i just may strip away some small layer, becoming, closer to the fullness of self. sometimes the light burns up bright. some days it seems to have gone out. but it hasn’t. it’s there, it’s there,
it’s there.
be patient with me.
I had a dream I stood beneath an orange sky
with my sister standing by
with my sister standing by
here is what I know my sister,
here is what I know my brother
in your love my salvation lies
in your love my salvation lies
in your love, in your love, in your love