still in a quandary

soimpossible531: I am just in confusion
dru dizzle 0904: about Chris
soimpossible531: yeah
dru dizzle 0904: that’s unfortunate
soimpossible531: no kidding
soimpossible531: he’s so cryptic
dru dizzle 0904: lol
dru dizzle 0904: so are you going to set things straight tomorrow night?
soimpossible531: i don’t know… i hope so
dru dizzle 0904: i think u should
soimpossible531: i don’t really know how to go about it
soimpossible531: i mean, i guess i do.  but i don’t really want to.
dru dizzle 0904: ooh
soimpossible531: i just want it to work itself out, but unfortunately, i don’t have time for that
dru dizzle 0904: and things cant always don’t work out on there own
soimpossible531: that’s true
soimpossible531: i suppose i should know that by now… at least in his case
dru dizzle 0904: yeah
soimpossible531: i can’t be subtle, i practically have to hit him over the head.
dru dizzle 0904: yeah, that used to be me
soimpossible531: i think you’re way better than he is about that stuff
dru dizzle 0904: lol thanx
soimpossible531: haha no really; he sucks sometimes.
dru dizzle 0904: lol
soimpossible531: and i don’t even know what it is, and it is awful:
soimpossible531: I don’t know if he is just a stupid clueless guy, or if he’s just really young and inexperienced, or if he has decided we are just friends …and i would be ok with just friends… i think.  but i’m not sure.  i just really wish i knew how he felt.
soimpossible531: iashdfklasjdfkjsad
soimpossible531: i can’t read him
dru dizzle 0904: does he know how you feel?
soimpossible531: well, *i* think it’s obvious, and it was also obvious to me that it was mutual.  And it’s so strange because last week, there was no doubt whatsoever in my mind about him; about where we stood. …but now he’s acting differently than i expected.  maybe i just expected too much to begin with.  i don’t know.
dru dizzle 0904: you should say somthing like “i think u know how i feel about you and i was wondering if you felt the same way?”
soimpossible531: well, i know what to say, i just don’t want to say it…  because i don’t even know how i feel about him anymore
dru dizzle 0904: …
soimpossible531: and i just.  i mean–ugh.
dru dizzle 0904:  why do you say that?
soimpossible531: it’s so complicated. and before it was so simple.
soimpossible531: i mean, when i was in Virginia, i was sure of how he felt/how i felt… the way i talked about him, and how he talked to me, even though i never said it, people would assume he was my boyfriend
dru dizzle 0904: maybe he is acting differently just because now you’re home, and so he’s a little nervous about his feelings for you.
dru dizzle 0904: that’s what i think at least.
soimpossible531: i don’t know
soimpossible531: maybe
soimpossible531: you could be right
soimpossible531: before i came home, he called me just as often as i called him, etc.  but now i feel like i am doing all the calling/planning… though this week, he was still in school and very busy.   he had to keep canceling on me.  so now i feel like i really need to talk to him, but i don’t want to smoother him
dru dizzle 0904: just bring up the question.  i don’t think it is smothering.
soimpossible531: this is so ridiculous.  for the past four months, both of us have been ending every phone call with “i miss you”  and now that i’m home, i feel like he doesn’t care as much as he said he did.  i don’t know.  i just don’t know anything anymore. 
soimpossible531: me = frustrated and fed up
dru dizzle 0904: just bring up the question
soimpossible531: i hope we can get together tomorrow, so that i can.
soimpossible531: he’s probably busy though, as always.  *eye roll*
dru dizzle 0904: just tell him you need to talk to him.
soimpossible531: oh, i will.
soimpossible531: this is my way of doing things:  I always let someone know when something is bugging me.   I absolutely can’t stand ignoring an issue that needs to be addressed.
soimpossible531: as my mom says, I wear my heart on my sleeve. 
dru dizzle 0904: yeah
soimpossible531: unless of course i don’t even know what i think and feel…
dru dizzle 0904: that’s the thing; people might be sure that you feel one thing, when you really feel another. <br>soimpossible531: yeah, which is what i could be doing to Chris right now, which is why we really need to talk.
dru dizzle 0904: i agree
soimpossible531: i hope that’s what i’m doing anyway …i think
soimpossible531: *sigh*
soimpossible531: i know i “like” him, i just don’t know if its deeper than that “crush/infatuation” stage
dru dizzle 0904: yeah
soimpossible531: i used to think i was too young to know what love is, but i am getting older.  I mean, i know people my age who are getting married or engaged
dru dizzle 0904: wow
soimpossible531: it’s not high school anymore, you know?  i’m in the real world now
dru dizzle 0904: yeah
soimpossible531: so many shades of grey, where everything used to be black and white.
dru dizzle 0904: i hear you.

I finally feel that i know what it is to be in love… but i also feel that he is not the one i am in love with.