some overdue catharsis

sometimes it’s really difficult to remember that life goes on.

it’s so simple to become wrapped up in what you want and where you’d like to be that you forget that where you are is really ok.  really good even.  and the now is really the only thing that exsists, so accepting it is the key to being truly content. 

so what if you aren’t the best and brightest by the world’s definition.  so what if you aren’t number one.  so what if you haven’t found the one true thing yet.  you are where you need to be.  right now.  and you’ll get to where you’re going eventually.  right?

i just think about where i’ve been and what i’ve done and who i’ve loved over the course of my short life and i become conflicted.  a little sad and a little nostalgic and a little joyful at once.  there’s been so much good and life and light but the loss of some of that light seems cast a shadow over the brightness at times. and i wonder, how can that be.  how can that be how can that be how can that be?  doesn’t light dispell the darkness?

i understand that pain is a part of life, and makes the good that much better.  but i don’t want to feel inadaquate.  i don’t want my feelings of beauty and self worth to be defined by anyone but myself.  i want to remember always that i am good and can continue to be such, no matter what happens in my life.  no matter who knows me and cares for me and wishes to be close to me.  some things are out of my control, but not how i feel about myself or how i feel about life.  no matter who decides i’m not worth the trouble.  i deeply and truly want to understand and accept that certain things are just not meant to be.  that certain things just don’t work.  and that it’s ok.  that it’s good. 

i think i really do need to be on my own for awhile.  i think i want to be, in fact.