love

…continued from previous entry…

I felt so much love tonight.  Real love.  Not the type of love that is casually thrown around as a phrase of recovery or cheap friendship.  The kind of love that is earned in years of hard work to become community.  To become true deep soulful friends.  There are few places I can say that I feel that all around, and I am so thankful that one of those places is home.  Anymore, I always feel that love in the presence of my dear friend Dominic.  I have been seeing a lot of him lately, more than any of my other good friends, so I have really been reminded of that.  He knows and understands me more than almost anyone.  We have so much history, so much that we have worked through, so much which has changed and grown over the years.  I daresay he knows more about me in some ways than my siblings do.  When he says “I love you,” I know that he absolutely really and truly means it.  As do I.  But that’s not to say that I am “in love” with him.  When he left tonight, he hugged me goodbye, and kissed me on the cheek, and I really thought nothing of it.  It did make me happy, because for quite awhile now, I have been thinking about how much I love him, and how I just want to hug him all the time, and how I want to kiss him and tell him that I do.  Although I never really said that I wanted to kiss him, or even showed any sign of it, he did it first.  But make one thing clear, it’s not the type of kiss that I would want to give Chris or any other potential boyfriend (but that is another issue).  It isn’t a kiss that says “I am in like/love with you and want to date you” and all that garbage.  It would be the type of kiss that says, I love you, and I want nothing else from you.  You being my friend is enough.  This is the deepest way I can think of to show you the love I feel. 

I am so lucky to have Dom, and to really know him.  He is an incredible friend.  I am so amazed by him, he has come so far from the kid I first met 5 years ago.  He is one of those people I can say has really influenced and changed my life as well.  I can’t sum up the things I want to say in any amount of words.  But it is all there in his eyes.  The history, the questions, the answers.  The conversations we have shared, the tears we have cried, the nights we have shared together sleepless.  Every moment of our complex relationship relived through that gaze.  When I look at him and he is looking at me all is right in the world.  When he hugs me, or holds my hand, or speaks to my eyes, everything makes sense.  This has become pointless.  I think I am trying to put into words something that I can’t… when you love someone; it cannot be described, only felt.