july-december

july04

highs

Katie doesn’t have to have her tonsils out anymore.  which means she’s coming to visit me!  😀  i can’t wait until july 26th.

i had a really good time tonight.  to talk and laugh about things like normal again.  i felt so comfortable.  it was almost like when i’m with katie and chelsea.  i haven’t felt this good in a long while.  tonight, i felt no call to impress anyone, no animosity towards anyone in the group.  on the contrary, i was excited about hanging out with relatively new people.  new to me anyway.  and people who i know are really cool because kelly has good relationships with them, and kelly is great so that makes them great. 

“sometimes someone says something really small, and it just fits into this empty place in your heart.”  –my so-called life

lows

i feel myself compromising me for one person.  who doesn’t deserve it.  let go.  shut out. impossible.

so now, in addition to my 12:00 curfew, apparently, i have a 9:00 deadline for my plans. it’s a good thing i’ve never disobeyed my parents in my life. it’s a good thing they always know where i am and what i’m doing and who i’m with. it’s a good thing i’m a careful driver and always make safe and smart decisions about where i go and when so that i don’t get murdered/mugged/rapped. it’s an extra good thing i am such a dutiful daughter and always ask my parent’s permission even though there are very few people i know who actually still do that. it’s a good thing i have never snuck out, lied about my whereabouts, lied about what i’m doing, or who i’m with, or lied to them about anything at all for that matter. that i’ve never done anything to break their trust. because thanks to all these years of being a good and trustworthy kid and never disobeying or disrespecting my parents, look where it has gotten me. after a full 8 months of living on my own and making my own decisions and never having to tell anyone where i am or when i’ll be back, look where i am today. i am still being treated like a small child who can’t make it to downtown portland and back safely.  and i can’t even do anything about it. they won’t listen to me. it doesn’t matter what i say. i am trapped in my own home. or what used to be my home. jmu is looking better and better every day.

august04

highs

the best part of my summer by far: Katie.  highlights of her visit include the rose/Japanese gardens and a small boy whom Katie named caleb.  Searching all over Beaverton for cloak patterns, and then making cloaks.  The abarias three with changs’, starbucks, Westview, and parks.  Powell’s, reading frenzy, sushi takahashi, NW 23rd and “pure sugar.”  The yang sisters and the old spaghetti factory.  Youth mass and a singing Katie.  manzanita, bead shops, yarn shops, and Indonesian wrap pants.  Quality family time + Katie.  a break from too much family time, a breath of fresh air, a little more than a week of good things to make up for a hard first 2 and a half months.

lows

i got in a huge fight with my parents.  i feel like shit.  i’m so selfish sometimes.

opendiary deleted this entire month of entries.  i feel like i’ve lost a part of my life.

september04

highs

i have a lot of realtionships with good potential. and i have a lot of realtionships that are already so amazing that i can’t even contain my gladness. i am so blessed. on those days that are really trying, i don’t know what i’d do without them. all of this makes those things that really suck a lot easier to bear. i’m going to survive. today i am aware of that.

we went to this insane carwash that sprayed katie’s car with these crazy purple soap suds for like 20 minutes. no exaggeration. we were so worried. we didn’t understand what the heck was wrong with the damn thing. and then she just pulled forward a little and the water started running and the brushes started going and all was well. i don’t think katie will be doing an automatic car wash again any time soon.

the drive on its own was quite lovely, with good music, quality conversation, and miles of beautiful countryside. when we got to <st1:

City>roanoke, i saw his coffee shop, his former place of work, and his neighborhood pool. we went to the roanoke farmer’s market and other little stores. i got an awesome indonesian skirt which bryan helped me pay for. our final stop on the tour of bryan’s high school years was the grandin theater. we then returned to harrisonburg over more quality conversation, good music filling the background, and the hum of the road beneath the tires.  i spent the entire evening with bryan and other assorted friends at various parties, and went late into the night with hanging out at the backhouse. today had so many good parts to it, but i think those long drives with bryan are what i’ll remember most.

i think i’m developing a crush.  a real one.  i’m afraid saying his name may jinx it.  Tim.  (i’ve never been superstitious.)  someone really cool and worthwhile.  for the first time since i “gave up” on chris.  i think this is a good thing, however it may turn out. 
i think this means he isn’t everything anymore.

lows

i want to be in love. 
and i’m so damn impatient about it.

negative(-): stress.  trying to deal with people who are so blind to the problems of the world that they pretend they don’t exist. but who also refuse to see anything but their own pessimist outlook, no matter what you say and do for them. who you only want the best for; for them to be happy. but they won’t allow themselves to be.  wondering what i’m really doing here. whether i’m in the right major. whether i should change. trying to figure out how i’m ever going to squeeze in all my credits and study abroad.  being confused and unsure about everything.  complicated ridiculous political crap. enough said.  saying goodbye to chelsea and katie as we head our separate ways to our respective dorms.  being lonely.  idiotic relatives.  feeling overwhelmed and lost.

august to september to almost october.  november december christmas before I can understand where it’s all disappearing to.  what happened to today?  to this week? this month? 
was it music and dancing in a house that belongs to a stranger saturday night live quotes and tiny invisible men on the edge of beer cans missed rendezvous’, and sneakers left behind tim and matt and bryan and the backhouse guitars blazers with short sleeves moccasins and becky car washes and arboretums and hot in the village swing dance and dates with adam no spark ccm and the quad new faces in large groups looking terrified; excited looking at this and not knowing what they’re getting into ice breakers, tears, stray cats stars like home asking for more praying for more searching for something more grandparents and parents and mothers and fathers talking to jason starting new like I did like we all did like we all remember and feel a certain nostalgia for don’t want to go back to that market one with Katie and Chelsea the lake willows that grow with branches reaching for the ground, never touching it stopping right before they take root again hugging my friend while she cries because she wants more; because she feels empty strange couples being inappropriately affectionate in public telling things that are real to people who are real swimming as fast as possible to pass the test hyperventilating into an inhaler but it doesn’t help walk in the door drop things on the floor pick up other things leave again don’t be late don’t forget anything it’s a responsibility you agreed to you want this so you always have you asked oh god slow me down slow me down

slow me down

my head is spinning.

 

october04

highs

someone who notices the way i open doors
the way i put on my coat
the way i look when i’m sleeping
and how my fingers pull the hair away from my eyes
who watches the way my hand moves across paper
who catches the scent of my breath
or the sweep of my hair
and suddenly feels different because i’m in his line of vision
someone who memorizes the tilt of my hips when i walk
and the wrinkles of my nose and mouth when a laugh breaks through.
who will blush and smile when i pay him a compliment.
someone who will know when i’m hurting
and who will be able to make it suddenly unimportant
without words.
who will remember everything i say, because to him, everything i say will be a thing of beauty.
however meaningless it may be.
i’ll help him quit smoki

ng
he’ll help me to stop biting my nails;
we will be good for each other.
he will roll his eyes, laugh, and look at me
with amazement in his eyes.  that i am his.
i am his.

I just spent an amazing 2 hours with Tim.  talking.  this friendship has so much potential.  I don’t want to have anything but friendship for him.  but I don’t know if I can help it.  I also want everything more than friendship.  he’s brilliant.  I just want to talk to him forever.  but I don’t want to see him at all at the same time.  I already have to brace myself for when I have to say goodbye to Bryan.  I don’t want to have to say two impossible goodbyes this year.  what a fucking cop-out.  I want to tell him so many things.   I want him to know me like Katie and Chelsea know me.  like Bryan knows me.  I want to be that comfortable around him.  I’m already pretty comfortable, but we’re still in the getting to know you phase.  I want to rewind a year and begin this stage of our friendship from the freshman transfer retreat, my first memory of meeting him. 

lows

i want to shake you by the shoulders and scream in your face.  this is one more thing in a string of others that are slowly diving me insane.  leave, for all i care.  hell, go to australia.  just get away from me.  you make me question my worth, and i don’t like it.  at all.  
i’ll get over it.  and probably won’t say anything in the process. 
i never do any more.
but that’s a good thing, because i’m overreacting.

some days i feel so inadequate.  i don’t know what has happened to me.  i don’t think i’ve ever felt as useless as i do these days.  like i can’t do anything right.  and the things i put my heart into don’t give me anything back.  i just keep pouring my contents into a black hole.  it doesn’t feel real.  there is no point.  go to class.  fill your head with useless nothings.  come to the room.  sleep.  eat.  dance.  sing.  cram.  fail.  pretend like you’re trying.  pretend like you are doing your best.  pretend like everything is a big huge fucking deal.  but never really succeed.  come up short in everything you do because you refuse.  to care.  continue to perpetuate your own state of misery, and write about it in your journal.  that will really fix everything.

you are souless.
empty.
searching.
an end to this meaninglessness must come soon.

i’m going to miss bryan.  i started crying about it when i realized the semester only has 6 weeks left.  6 weeks until only one semester left with him.  i can’t handle it.  i really have to just put it out of my mind.  i don’t know how becky is going to stand it, she isn’t going to be here next semester so she has to say goodbye in 6 weeks.  i hurt.

it’s a good thing i told myself not to get too attached.  –not to fall too hard.  after so much.  why haven’t i learned not to let anything feel.

[she’s so broken, they’ll say.  and so full of love.]

november04

highs

this past weekend was really super good for me. I got away from some things i needed to get away from and had a great time swing dancing and hanging out with bryan. his friend tyler is really cool. and super attractive.  

chelsea. i love how she calls me nearly every other day, whenever i don’t see her for something like 24 hours. i look forward to those phone calls.

the other day, katie and i went to hillside lab because her computer sucks. i found a new side of hillside that is so much more enjoyable than the times i’ve been there at 3 and 4 and 5am. even though i feel like she spread chip crumbs in my hair. i think we shall do this again. minus the part about the chips.

“but the thing is, i remember thinking that we WERE a roller coaster of love.”

i really love my village people. i find myself making time to be with them even though i don’t really have any. maybe because being with them makes me de-stress. or maybe just becau

se they’re amazing.i can’t wait to live with them again.

Thanksgiving is an amazing holiday.  I can’t believe how much one day can really make you be thankful, just because it tells you to do so.  and hokie games are CRAZY FUN. they kicked UVAs ass hardcore, 24 to 10. it was awesome. i’ve never seen so many people so excited about something so trivial. for some reason it was really liberating. stress-relieving or something. it almost made me want to be a hokie. *shudder*

lows

this sucks.  i thought this shit ended with high school.  i’m beginning to realize it has nothing to do with what age you are. 

i had a shot of reality this weekend, and i didn’t want it.  i wanted to close it back up in the box in which i’ve kept it so carefully locked, and place it back under the bed for another 19 years.  i am a real person who will be doing real things in a real world.  someone or something is about to burst my bubble.  i’d rather pop it myself.   but really, when does life ever allow us that much predictability?

december04

highs

finals are DONE.  thank god.  my grades are… eh. but at least it’s over.

bryan and i drove from jmu to roanoke, ate dinner with some of his friends, went to mill mountain coffee shop, came to blacksburg. we goofed off when we got here, playing music and hanging out, until gennie and her friends took us to a hooka lounge for chris weaver’s birthday. let me tell you, i think those things are the most pointless and ridiculous things i’ve ever seen. but oh well, it was fun to hang out, with or without a hooka.

home.

christmas was lovely.  i spent it with family and friends, as always. the moments of reality make up for it.  like tonight, a guy i used to be friends with called me (brandon), and we
talked for two and a half hours.  about real life.  it was really something.  i don’t think i’ve talked to him like that since junior year.  i’m probably getting coffee with him next week.

lows

i’ve been working every day except Christmas at meier & frank.  it’s been a bit of a drag, but i really can’t complain.  every day, me and the other seasonal hires work alongside middle-aged and elderly women who
 have been at their jobs for years, and will probably continue at them for many more to come.  We would all complain, as peers, about the long hours and the aching feet, the boring slow spells, and the cranky christmas
shoppers.  i can’t imagine working there for the rest of the year let alone the rest of my life.  damn, i’m lucky.

i miss my people.

chris called to tell me his grandfather had passed away and would i please pray for him and his family.  this is a double blow to chris’s family, who just lost their other grandfather a few months ago.  my heart goes out to
 him… he was a person of great significance in my life for what feels like such a long time.  it’s been a little less than a year since i’ve really talked to chris or wanted to.  but things like this really force me to get over what
petty feelings of resentful hurt i harbor for him, and remember that everyone makes mistakes… and everyone needs a shoulder to lean on at some point.  the fact that he came to me, of all people, really touched me.  i
don’t really know what to say to him, having never suffered great loss.  but i don’t think that’s important.  i’ve told him i’m here to listen, and offer what comfort i can.  i think that meant a great deal.  it was enough.