in search of myself

An old friend from church, back when I was in high school, just updated her blog for the first time in 6 months. She is someone who is always following her heart, which leads her to service in every way imaginable. As I read about her latest work for 5 months with victims of domestic abuse with an organization working with the border patrol, I felt a twinge of guilt in my stomach. Not because I’m not doing work that is "service-oriented," per sey, but that I know those are things that would make me burn, too. I know that what I’m doing now is good for me, but I wonder where I lost the thread… and if it’s ok. I wonder if my selfishness got the better of me on this one, and if my heart isn’t missing it’s true path. The guilt feeling stems from feeling that in this decision, I may have been untrue to myself.

On the up side, I feel inspired to look for my next course of action following Korea. To seek out service work again, and try to discover something that I know I can excel which will also light a fire in me. My work is good, to be sure, but I don’t feel passionate about it. I understand that at any job, you can’t go to work and leave every single day feeling ablaze, but I know you can feel that way most days, if the job is right.

I think a search for a six month Americorps program in Portland is a good start, and I will expand my search from there.

Another positive aside is that I feel more motivated to find my passion here. I know it can be found, and I think I have been hiding the fact that it’s missing at this point in time. I have been ignoring it, and just keeping on. This weekend I went to Seoul, and it was good. The best part was being around some old (and new) friends, and being reminded that life, anywhere you are, is what you make of it. It never has to be stagnant, worrisome, or tinged with regret. These are choices. A person must make their own peace. A person must make their own delight. A person must make their own joy.

I feel tired, but somehow refreshed. I have some new goals ahead of me. It is a good feeling to work towards something.