I have always depended on the praise of strangers

I’ve been so down and out this week.  And I was having such trouble putting a name and a face on the sadness.  I just felt this pit, this uselessness, helplessness that I couldn’t shake.

I had my theories.  I thought it had to do with too much TV (I started binge watching Dexter).  I thought it was about feeling like I was being too lazy again and not working towards my goals.  I thought it was connected to the recent discovery of the music scene in Ibaraki, and this weird sense of being some sort of fraud… this one is complicated, has to do with my insecurities and aspirations about music.   I thought it was about being lonely and unsatisfied, and this also leading to guilt about feeling bad about being alone.  "I’m a strong, independent woman, right?!  I don’t need to be with someone to feel whole!"  This is my inner monologue and sometimes the start of some bad feelings when I start to feel lonely.  I need to forgive and accept myself for these human things.  They’re natural, after all. 

But then last night, after a day of a bit of crying without clear reason, Hoopie called.  We had said we weren’t going to talk anymore, so I was pretty surprised.  The content wasn’t anything important, just a call to catch up.  He decided it was silly not to talk to me, and thought it would be okay once in awhile.  (We did discuss the importance of him talking to his girlfriend about this and holding off on further conversations until he talks to her about it–he made a promise after all.)

But the point is, I felt a million times better after we talked.  So I realized, I think a lot of my funk was about missing him and the perceived loss of our friendship.  He really has always been somewhere I go for support, and not talking to him for two weeks, but also believing we weren’t going to be talking anymore for an indefinite amount of time was starting to weigh on me, though passively. 

I didn’t know how to feel about this. I’m not proud of it.  But then, we all need people to lean on.  I think I had hoped that he wouldn’t be someone I felt like I really needed.  This isn’t to devalue him or to ignore what his place has been in my life.  It’s just about knowing that I have a few other wonderful places of endless support–the best friend I could ever ask for, my family–so I thought (or hoped) letting his friendship fade into the background would be easier. 

But here’s the kicker.  I know that some or even a large part of my difficulty in letting him go has to do with the validation I crave from men.  And reflecting on it this week, it’s part of why I’ve been feeling so down.  I’ve been spending a lot of time with new male friends lately, and I know that my ego totally gets off on the attention and praise I get from them.  I have notice it before in my life; this isn’t novel.  I know I seek friendships with men in part because I crave their attention, attraction, high regard, and respect.  I love feeling powerful over them.  I love knowing that they want me and that I’m in control.  I’m so ashamed of this aspect of myself, because it goes against everything I believe about being a feminist.  I should be better at standing alone.  And it also gives me this shitty feeling like I’m using people for my own satisfaction.  Like I’m making them supporting characters in my one-woman show.  Me, me, me. 

Ugh.  I’ve got a lot of work to do.