6/27/08
i dislike being so frustrated that I don’t know what to do with myself.
most of the time, when I find myself in this situation, I at least have some vague idea of what would be appropriate action to take. Who to talk to, how to let it out, what steps might dispel the frustration. However, this time, my ideas of what would help are not so easy to make happen.
Richard is distant, detached, and oblivious. I was looking forward to this time when the window would be open to develop what I see as a potential blossoming friendship. To explore how we relate to one another outside of the work setting, and appreciate inhibition. But apparently he’s not into that. I am torn. On one level, I feel I should just let it go, move on, get over it. But on another level, I feel the need to hash this out. To ask him questions. To figure out why he is the way he is. Is he uninterested in building friendships with the people he has worked so closely with all year? And why? If that is the case I feel that much of his behavior this year was ingenuine. Does he feel no connection or interest? And if so, how do I make sense of this contradiction? when he has outright told me what a gift it is to have people on his team that he can talk to about the real stuff of life, and they understand.
some revealing conversations last night with katie and mary. about how they’ve been frustrated with him for two months. his micromanagement, his aloofness, his split personality between work and outside of work. where was I all this time? do I really do this to people I admire? create them to be an incredible enlightened being and place them so far above me that I feel i simply can’t reach them? Do I become blind to their shortcomings and inflate their better qualities?
last night, with katie, we talked about all of this. I told her that for the longest time, I felt like Richard was teaching me so much, every day. And that I didn’t know whether I had anything to offer him. She nodded, and sighed, "there’s quite a bit that you could teach richard counsil."
a part of me doesn’t want to talk about it anymore. there’s that inclination again to get away. to let it go, to leave it behind. after all, all I have is three weeks. why not? I’m struggling with the indiscriminate nature of this relationship. what is appropriate to say? what is not?
what i want is to get him alone and tell him all of these things. without any expectation for his reaction, just to unload the way his behavior has made me feel, and how the team shares my sentiments. i think he’s oblivious. Haven’t we built something enough over this year to afford one another that level of candor? I can’t speak for him, i can’t ask anything of him, but I can hold myself to my own ideas of relationship. my own ideas of what it is to care for someone. what it is to treat them with the honesty and respect they deserve.
what gets me is that i still feel, in so many ways, that he’s unlike anyone i’ve met. he’s incredible. how can someone be so put together and mature and intelligent in some ways, and completely lost in others? I feel like he’s wasting something so precious in this last month that we’re all here and unrestricted by city year. and I wonder, does he see it? It’s not up to me to set him straight, but am I entitled to tell him how I feel? this is a golden month of no obligation, summer warmth, and celebrating the year we’ve had. richard, how can you let it go by?