10/1/07

it’s really been awhile since I last wrote.  and I feel like I write that phrase every entry.  ah well.

you know, it’s funny.  We really think we know ourselves well at times, and what is more, we really seem to minimize our flaws, without even being conscious of it.  it’s like the ego surpresses all the bad stuff, and builds up the good… but who really knows why?  That can’t possibly be productive.  it may make us feel good about ourselves, but how temporary is that?  in fact, it would seem it’s completely counterproductive to growth and development.  living in dellusion.  hm.

my dellusions have been thrown in my face these past three days, it seems.  my weekend seemed enough of a bear and a time of uncomfortable realization for me, when i yet again, connected with someone completely unimportant to me, and still human and therefore worthy of more respect than a so called "one-night stand."  but then, to come into work today, excited for recruitment roles roll-out, but dreading the worst in the back of my mind.  fearing, all along that I would be paired with the weak link, but somehow knowing it was inevetable.  I wouldn’t let myself think about it… so a moment ago, when Dawn called me into her office to drop the bomb, my heart was in my throat.  i think i knew what was coming.  when she let me know that i would not only be given my last choice of recruitement roles, but i would also be paired with the most challenging team mate on our team, i masked my disappointment and near horror well.  i think.  but in the pit of my stomach, i was calling out for anything but this to be my reality.  "not me" I heard my ego screaming.  "anything but this."  I actually felt the prickling of tears in the back of my skull.  but I didn’t allow them to surface.  I smiled and empathically told dawn that I could do it, I could step up to the plate and take on the challenge.  I told her honestly that I would have rather had my first choice, and reitterated that I would welcome hers and Richard’s support with eager arms, but I did not show my fear.  She told me that they had thought I would be best equipped to take on these challenges of anyone in our group.  And though I don’t really want to admit it, I know that she’s right.  and in my mind, i was shot back to fifth grade, and julie grunes.  when my fifth grade teacher asked me, a child of eleven, to take it upon myself to work with this abrasive, disruptive, and emotionally abusive girl, because she knew that I could.  Because she knew that I would do my best to be kind and patient, and none of the other kids quite knew what to do.  and probably because she knew it would be good for me.  Today, I know that other teammates of mine may not possess the …tact, or perhaps patience to deal with this challenge.  I also know it wasn’t something conscious that gave me the capablity to take on this challenge.  But in truth, I do not want this challenge.  I do not.  I wanted to face the challenge of my work for what it is in and of itself, not from within my own team.  I see my fifth grade self, standing in front of Ms. Gober, nodding in understanding, while inside, my head is spinning and my throat aches.  But god damn it, life is not about getting what you want.  not in the simple sense.  I’ve always said I wanted more.  And god damn it, i know that this will make me a better person.  but GOD DAMN IT I can’t belive how my cowardice is screaming inside at this moment, making me want to run screaming from the office.  "THIS IS NOT FAIR!"