Shot right through w/a bolt of blue

(Later edit: I’m almost tempted to stick this sort of non-written, whiny crap to private entries. But now I have written it, I suppose it might as well stay here. I suppose it’s good that I wrote something at all)

(This sort of thing is one of the reasons I gave up OD for so long. It’s not good writing, it’s just being miserable at the world at large. And on the offchance you’re new to my diary, the previous entry will make moresense than this one. Slightly.)

And now, she’s trying to avoid me online. MSN conversation tonight:

Me:

Evening

Her:

hey

Me:

We won the quiz tonight

Her:

congrats

Me:

Thanks

Her:

how many points

Me:

It was a tiebreak, but I won that

Me:

So that was nice

Her:

coolio

Me:

So how are you?

Her:

ok

Her:

went out last night, fell over last night, yhink sprained arm

Her:

you?

Me:

Not bad. Haven’t done much the past couple of days until tonight

Her:

quiet times good

Her: [milliseconds after my last message]

right off to bed

Her:

night

<span lang="EN-U

S” style=”font-size: 10pt; font-family: "MS Shell Dlg"; color: rgb(84, 84, 84);”>Me:
      Goodnight

She never used to be that avoidant in the past few weeks. Am I just paranoid? Maybe. Note the way she decided to leave immediately after I loosely hinted at what happened the other night, though. I suppose I shouldn’t have spoken to her in the first place tonight. But she was online. I wanted to try and bring matters to a head. Obviously that isn’t going to happen.

So she regrets it. And if she does, fair enough. But she started it that night. And I went out of my way before to talk her out of it. Couldn’t she at least tell me? Does she have to be so fucking secretive all the time? Is it even selfish of me to wonder if she’s considered my feelings? I suspect possibly she has, but doesn’t have the courage to actually risk saying anything direct. That’s probably what I would do. But by god,  I wish she would.

What the hell am I supposed to think any more?

Wanted to talk it over to Vicky tonight, but she went to bed ad I couldn’t quite bring myself to ask her to stay. Don’t think I quite let myself get over crying in front of her the other week (for a lot of reasons). I shouldn’t have drank as much as I did, either. I’d be better if I hadn’t. But still. I’m better at figuring out how I feel if I have someone else to bounce off. Like a radio dj, or something.

In better news, my friends and I won the pub quiz for the first time in God knows how long. Which was nice.

On another positive note, I have already written more entries this year than I did all of last year. That might make me seem like a diary whore, if I hadn’t written a grand total of four last year.