somewhere over the rainbow..

wow, december already. crazy.. no snow yet though so that’s something to be thankful for ! so i won’t even bother doing any updates because it’s just been so long between now and my last entries… but here are a few things that are bothering me right now:

nate — he’s such a great guy! but he’s just not for me.. i feel like shit even thinking about him because i know i’m hurting him by pulling away and i know i should just be completely direct and say "i’m just not that into you" but really, he should be getting the hint by now, shouldn’t he kinda get the hint by now..? after our talk and he said he still wanted to hang out, even if it was just as friends. so i go over there and he’s all over me… friends don’t stick their tongues in their friends’ mouths!! lol. ugh. i hate myself.

mike – unlike nate, i could talk to mike for hours and i can tell he likes me… he’ll call me before bed and just want to chat, even though he’s clearly tired, he won’t want to let me go. so we decide to meet.. and we had a really good time. and then the next day he didn’t call, or e-mail. or the next day.. and it went on until today. i saw him on msn and said hi and we had a small convo till he had to go to bed. i just don’t understand what happened. i was the exact same person as i’ve been all along… we didn’t kiss but that shouldn’t be a deal breaker, should it?????? fuck i’m frustrated. i always do this – i get my hopes up so high and then when things don’t work i’m crushed. i’m pretty dejected right now.. but i’m not gonna give up, in his defense he is quite busy. but it is my opinion that when you really like someone, esp. at the beginning of what could be a relationship, you can’t get them off your mind and want to call them or send them a little email everyday, just to say hi, if you can’t get together. oh well..

the truth – i don’t need a man. no one NEEDS a man. i do want one, but when i think about myself and my life as a whole , there are many indications that the last thing i should do right now is become involved in a relationship. i feel like that would lead me down the wrong path – away from personal healing.. and god knows what would become of my man.

that was gay… i need to sleep,