night owl…

so my last entry started out as a rant and confession – free therapy – but i ended up making it into a note (novel :S ) for my dr. to read b/c she has a timing structure for appts so that she doesn’t fall behind schedule. yesterday i was slated for a routine 20 minute follow up but i knew it might be longer so i gave her the letter to help speed things up. it was good.. after she read it she thanked me for calling 911. she suggested that if i ever felt like that again i shouldn’t hesitate to go to the emergency room but that I should tell them the real reason for being there. i told her how uncomfortable that dr made me feel and that i just wanted to get out of there and she said that if i had told them i was there b/c i was going to hurt myself, they probably wouldn’t have let me go. i can just imagine that…. i would have been so upset. imagine having to call into work because i was in the psych ward? the environment was already making me desperate to be alone and at home in my bed… to be told that i had no choice but to stay would have brought a new wave of emotion. ugh i don’t even want to think about it. it’s hard to admit losing control of oneself. anyways, she referred me to another dr to talk meds, gave me a prescription of my old stuff to hold me over and then wrote me a note excusing me from work for medical reasons.

i felt fairly calm during the whole visit there. but then i saw bob. bob is this nice older guy that plays in the same pool league, so i see him every tuesday. he is also good friends with rick, my opponent from last week whom i fed shots like it was 1999. bob and i say hello, small talk etc, and then he mentions last week, right in front of my dr (who i had just filled in) and says that rick was so drunk that he fell and split his forehead open. i must have looked like a ghost, i felt like my heart fall into my stomach. i felt so guilty! my dr just looked at me with sympathy b/c she put two and two together and realized how i felt.

so i went to pool that night and apologized to rick.. told him i felt responsible which he immediately dismissed… ange the bartender said the same thing – he’s a grown man and he bought me just as many shots as i bought him.. but still…. he didn’t look at me quite the same. i felt like a huge db.. def didn’t stick around to play that night (they didn’t need me anyways) because i was so ashamed! i went to the mall and picked up a few things from work (my x-mas bonus – 20 free items from the store) which was good because most of the lightbulbs in my apt have burnt out and i’m afraid to the dark 😛 ha… see that? i just made a joke… i feel better today than yesterday.

the more i think about it, the more quitting W.A.S. just makes sense. my parents don’t agree… ugh… i have pretty strong feelings about this – i know that "they want the best for me" but i am the person who knows what is truly the best for me, right? and i think the best thing is to move on from that job, cut down on hours for a few months and then make a new game plan. i’m certainly not choosing dollarama as a career – i hope to get another job or go back to school or something, but who knows! half my friends are abroad, they aren’t making life choices right now, so why is it that i am expected to have my life planned out? what my dad doesn’t get is that WAS is just a glorified retail job. i wasn’t making contacts there, the truth is i haven’t done art in a long time. i don’t feel as passionately as i once did about it. a discount and a health plan shouldn’t be the deciding factors – my health should be.

my dad was like "what about your loan??" (co-signed by him) and i said "dad – it’s $2000 .. not $10 000, not $20 000….  if you’re that anxious that i won’t be able to pay it off (with the very VERY reasonable, doable, flexible plan i’m on right now), and it will affect your credit, then i’ll use my credit card to pay my loan and then it will be in my hands, and mine alone." of course he was apalled that i’d even THINK about using my credit card the way interest rates are rising, and he totally missed the point.  another thing is that WAS wasn’t supposed to be a career, it wasn’t a stepping-stone to some awesome career that i could only get if i worked there for X amount of years. i’m leaving on good terms, i can put this job on my resume confident that anyone there would give me a great reference. anyone. i know that we’re still in recession-mode, but getting a new job is not impossible – i could work at tim hortons and have a good dental/drug plan for god’s sake! my parents like to be very dooms-dayish… the world isn’t nearly as scary as they make it out to be, and i’m not going to hide out in a go-nowhere job that makes me unhappy because of what-ifs.

my dad always told me "go to university so that you can get a job doing what you like to do". he didn’t, and is still working the same job he had after highschool, which he HATES but sticks with because he gets paid really really great money. so i went to university. i am 23, and he’s getting pissed because i’m doing exactly what he told me to do – give yourself options so that you’re not trapped doing something you hate. which is what ended up happening. again – i’m going to repeat – nothing i choose to do right now should be taken as seriously as it’s being made out to be. i am 23. TWENTY THREE. i’d like to point out that i’m not the kind of person who is constantly regretting choices and needing help from others to rectify the situations i’ve gotten myself into.

so, in true adult fashion, i made a little budget projecting what i might be making and my monthly expenses. it was based on a 25 hr work week…  but really.. i predict getting at least 30-40. i’ve grown quite close to my boss, i can read her quite well and she was so excited to hear that my schedule had opened up. i have the same experience as a woman she really dislikes and plans to transfer, which is good news for me! no guarantees… but still. the 25 hr work week would cover my expenses and leave me with a very very modest amount left over for emergencies etc (and yes, i factored in a small monthly payment towards my loan… one day at a time). if get more hours, well then that’s a bonus and more can go into my loan. and yes, 25 hours would cover me as far as the health plan goes. so i feel like i have all my bases covered and to be honest – i am actually excited for the new year.. a new start.

peace,

kirsten