it was up up and away…

so i have this really bad inclination to fall madly deeply in like with someone waaaay too soon. and when i begin to realize different things about them that turn me off i get hurt because i had this idealistic image of this person (usually based on internet communication). it’s happened a few times before and it really gets to me… i’ll talk to someone forever and we grow close.. and then we meet and start to hang out and while i may still be interested, something about meeting me in person has turned the guy off, b/c he’ll go from calling me every night to never calling me again. of course there are times that guys have probably felt this way with me too…because after meeting them i realize that something’s just not right and i lose interest. i really feel upset when that happens because i think i get a pretty good sense of someone and how compatible we are, and then things fall apart and i just lose faith that i’ll ever meet anyone…

it’s been a while… but there’s a new boy. tim… we’ve talked on msn for months and months… broaching a year now. and recently we met up in TO to hang out. we had a great day and i ended up going back to ham. with him for the night. nothing serious happened, just hanging out. i was smitten.. and i think he was too. but we met up again and things weren’t as awesome as before…. we had a minor argument, let’s call it a debate, when he made a mean comment about a fat chick. i know we all have our moments… but the way he talked about her as though he was more valuable to society than she because of her weight just made my blood boil. we talked about standards and judging ppl and the influence of society… all in all i disagreed with many of his points. i don’t think "society" gives you the excuse to be judgemental so blatantly. ugh i don’t know… i’m not really describing my opinion too well.. but anyways, we got over it. agree to disagree. anywho, a day later, ie tonight, we’re talking on msn and he asked me if i thought he was normal. and i answered.. no, but i don’t think that’s necessarily bad… and it turned into this HUGE debate about how there is a heirarchy in society whether i like it or not and he has the right to judge and think he is better than others b/c he’s a player in the game blah blah blah… i’m not giving him full credit here because he did make some good points and there was quite a lot said but the moral of this story is, i felt really offended and hurt and almost personally attacked by what he said. i told him that i hoped he found his place in life and then closed our convo — that’s it for me. i don’t want to be with someone who’s constantly comparing me or judging me – and that’s not to say i’m looking for someone with no standards either, but i seriously don’t put that much thought into all of the things we talked about — really — that convo hurt my brain. i know that was a challenge and i shouldn’t be threatened by what he said, but it really struck me and now i’m sitting here in tears wondering why i keep doing this. getting all attached and optimistic and then falling so far down into reality because i built this boy up so tall. i guess that i’m still looking for someone like kyle – when we started going out i just knew that we were good for each other. there was a tiny bit of doubt at the beginning but he courted me and we were both so honest from the very start – i knew that he really wanted me. i haven’t found that since and it bothers me.

i guess that there’s one good thing about this little blowout and that is that i found this stuff out before i could become even more involved. if i had slept with him, i wouldn’t have forgiven myself, knowing and feeling what i do now. i feel like he may have already decided that i’m not worthy, but it’s ok with me because i know how i feel and what i value in a person, and i wouldn’t have been happy in that situation. i’m just pissed. it feels like everytime i get excited about a guy, it falls apart.

ugh… my throat is so tight right now and i have those anxious butterflies in my stomach, wondering what, if anything, he’s going to say now. i feel so dejected. also a piss-off: i just spent the past THREE HOURS having this msn convo… pretty much a waste of my entire night.

-k