gut hit

so as i promised, i’ll write a bit about jd. i used to use fake names but i just don’t even bother anymore. so ya… jd is a 20 yr old wrestler which means that yes, i am a cougar. i don’t know what it is with me and the youngens lately, but i seem to be attracting/attracted to them…  i met him dt one night after a pool tourny and i honestly thought we could just be friends. he made me laugh so much and when we exchanged numbers, i def thought we would meet up. he called me a couple days later and we hung out at his house, he made me a milkshake and i got a huge stomachache, but aside from that i had a good time and def wanted to see him again. around that time, i was packing and moving and was so wrapped up with everything that we kind of lost touch for a bit… but we started hanging out again a week later after i had settled in to my new place. i do like him but i definitely see that the difference in age creates a divide that can’t be bridged. i know that there are plenty of couples and friends who are far apart in age, but are still inseperable. but in this case, he’s just too immature and i know it. so why am i continuing to see him? i don’t know… it’s almost like it’s a relationship of convenience, for me at least. i gain a friend and someone who actually likes me and wants to see me .. and for him, well gets me 🙂 i know it sounds cruel, but if i truly feel that he’s becoming really attached and my feelings aren’t developing at the same rate, i’ll talk to him and break it off. it wouldn’t be fair to him. at the moment however, we seem to be doing our own thing and meeting up once or twice a week is fine, so if it works, why toy with it? ugh… i just re-read that and not only do i come across as a heartless biotch, i sound like i’m trying hard to justify jd. my main concern is that i feel i’m incapable of loving someone else when i can’t even love myself. so why even bother? obviously there’s something about jd that makes me want to bother….. so … ya… i’ve run out of thoughts.