12/08/2009

I shake myself mentally. Shake off the funk, shake off the weight. I shake myself, but I feel it settle back down again. Drag myself through one day only to drag myself through the next. I am exhausted. Mentally. Emotionally. Physically. I am drained and I am lacking. And yet my kids need so I have to find it somewhere to give. and give. and give.

Translucent isn’t a good look for me.

It snowed Friday, and was colder than cold. So we got out of school early. I took pictures of my kids playing in the barely visible snowflakes, they were so excited. They kept telling me it was Christmas now, because it was snowing. One of them told me it was the very best day… EVER!

There have been too many deaths lately. I feel it weighing on me, hurting for everyone. My baby boy’s sister, Delaney, another infant sibling of a second grader in our school, Noah’s Uncle… Sarah’s Grandmother. So much death… and so close to the holidays.

I keep shaking it off. It keeps coming right back. I keep wishing I hadn’t decided to give up cutting. I keep wishing I hadn’t given Stephen all my razorblades. I keep wishing I wasn’t too damn tired to go buy some more, and too damn sensitive to others to hold to promises I wish I hadn’t made.

Instead, apparently, I spend way too much money on soaps and lotions and other such things from Lush. I think I’m addicted.

Instead, I bake cookies I don’t want to eat, and a pie that’s sitting in my fridge not getting eaten.

Instead, I avoid people who can call me out on self destructive desires.

Instead, I stay awake until I crash.

Instead.