08/02/2011

It is nearly two in the morning, and I am staring at my computer screen.  I tried sleep earlier, but the thoughts and the worries kept nibbling at me and keeping me from rest.  You would think that, after only sleeping a few hours earlier in the day I would be exhausted enough to fall easily asleep.  Alas, I am not.  My mind turns in a whirlwind of thoughts.  Thoughts of those I care for, lists of things to be accomplished before the new school year begins.  Questions and worries about how this school year will go, if I will be a good teacher.  I know that it sounds silly to most of you.  After three years you would think I would have the confidence to know that I am a good teacher.  The rational part of my mind acknowledges this.  Unfortunately, at nearly two in the morning the rational part of my mind has retreated and it’s the irrational and obsessive part of my mind that holds court.  

I know that it will be fine.  That this year, though with new challenges due to even more budget cuts, will be a year of success.  There will be failures and tears, but there will also be triumphs and pride.  Even this worrying and wakefulness is nothing new.  I’m surprised it has only just begun to be honest.  The lists of things to be done usually have me lying awake long before August.  I suppose that is a small triumph in and of itself.  

Harder to dismiss are my concerns for those I care about.  Harder to dismiss because I am aware of my utter helplessness.  There is absolutely nothing I can do to help either of them.  They must find for themselves the will to live.  The will to overcome, to fight, to learn.  I cannot do that for them, no matter how much I would like to, no matter how much I long to.  

Beyond that is the empty ache that revisits my heart.  I know not why it comes, or what purpose it intends to serve.  I know only that it is there, followed closer by those seductive whispers I  have fought so hard to ignore.  

A new day.  Always a new fight.  

But I fight, and so I know that I have hope.  For now, that is enough.