11/18/04

All my life I’ve never been able to reproduce another person’s face in my mind, not clearly. I never thought of it as anything more than some curious mental infirmity…until Livie died, then I realized it was a calamity. – Mark Twain as quoted in the movie “Mark Twain & Me.”

I soooo understand these words. It’ll be 8 years exactly at just after 4 pm today. My mind has trouble remembering you, clearly. I have fuzzy pictures and vague remembrances, but nothing clear. What the mind can’t remember clearly, though, the heart can and it remembers you. It still longs for you. It longs for me to hold you in my arms for one last long hug, but knows that it will never happen on this earth. I once dreamed, shortly after you left, that I saw you in the kitchen, and I was soo happy cause I just KNEW you weren’t really gone. You assured me that you really were gone but that you were ok. We hugged so hard and it felt so real I hated waking up that day! I wish I could have that dream again. As the song “I’ll be home for Christmas,” states, ‘if only in my dreams.’ (How I hate hearing that song every Christmas, I’m sure it torments many people at this time of year, especially with so many of our servicemen in Iraq.)

Speaking of people with loved ones in Iraq, there have been a number of losses, on both sides there. Whenever I hear of a loss, I realize that’s someone’s son or daughter, brother or sister, etc. and regardless of which side of the battle they were on, they most likely had someone who loved and them who now has to learn how to adjust to life without this person. For those people, I wish that they can have the dream I did, to be able to say that final good-bye, that final farewell hug or touch, or whatever it is that they need, even if it’s only a dream.

So, Natalie, (this is the first time I’ve actually put your name in here) I wish I could tell you once again how much I love you.

There’s a song by Diamond Rio, that I save for the bad days, when I just can’t seem to get around the pain, and I must muddle through it. It’s called, ‘You’re Gone,’ and the chorus goes like this…

 “And I bless the day I met you
And I thank God that He let you
Lay beside me for a moment that lives on
And the good news is I’m better
For the time we spent together
And the bad news is you’re gone”

I miss you baby!