What Hurts The Most

The things that hurt the most are the things that I miss…

• His smile
• His laugh
• The way I could look into his eyes and see into his soul
• Fingers dancing over and over the strings of his guitar
• He was always patient with me even when I was being a pain in the ass.  I probably would have given up but he never did.
• The sound of his voice
• Being in love
• A shoulder to cry on
• Always feeling safe
• His arms around me while I slept
• Kisses
• Making love
• The smell of his cologne
• Passion for music
• Sharing our deepest thoughts
• Finding joy in lifes simple things together
• Just knowing that he was there for me…that I could depend on him for everything and anything that I needed.  That no matter what he would be there…

There are so many things that remind me of him…and lately I feel them more and more.  Today on my way to work I was jamming to music on the radio and all the time I was thinking that he would have loved this song…and I could imagine him playing and singing whatever song it was.  And I just about lost it today at work because STP’s Interstate Love Song came over the radio at work at the same time a customer walked by me wearing Gio cologne…and I guess the combination of the song and smelling his cologne again just set me off.  I had to leave the store…I went outside grabbed Raj and went to smoke.  Thank God for Raj…that man saves my sanity pretty much everyday. 

I just don’t understand how I can be fine one minute and a complete mess the next.  I can go for months without thinking about him, or I think about him but in a happy wonderful way…and then all of a sudden some stupid little thing just makes me miss him so much that I feel completely broken and lost.  It’s been almost 5 years and I should be fine without him now, but today I don’t feel like I am.  Today I want him to be here.  Today I am grieving for the life that we should have had.  But tomorrow I will most likely be okay.  I just wish I knew how long it’s gonna take before I can be 100% okay.  How long before the pain is completely gone???