Sigh

Where did I go wrong? Why is my life one big mess? Yesterday was not a very good day. I got off work at 6 in the morning and went home and played Turbo 21 with Dave like I do every morning. Everything seemed to be going fine. Went to work and got my paycheck, cashed it and got Pens tickets to the game against Tampa on Sat. I was excited about that cause I finally get to see my Matt come back to Pittsburgh. All was well or so I thought. I finally went to sleep around 3 in the afternoon and I was comatose from the exhaustion.

Around 10 my brother came home, and he was pounding on the door cause he forgot his key and I got up and let him in. Went back to sleep and around 12 heard someone on the door again. Thought it was him so I didn’t answer it. Mom finally came down and answered the door. She told me to get up cause there were 2 guys at the door for me. I had no clue who the hell was knocking at my door at midnight asking for me. It was Ryan and Nello. I hadn’t seen them for a long time. They wanted to go out to Eat N Park and get something to eat, and wanted me to come with them. I got up got dressed and went out to get a bite to eat. We talked for a few hours and then came home. I made Ryan drop me off at work so I could get a cup of coffee and talk to Mikey for a little bit. I should’ve just went home.

Mikey didn’t want to make breakfast bagels and muffins so he said in his little whiny boy’s voice, “Jenn will you make bagels for me?” He knows that I cave in when he does that so of course I said yes. I went home real quick to get my car and the hockey stick I borrowed from Dave so I could give it back to him. Went back to work and started making bagels. Pip came in and told me that Tom aka Elvis was still working cause he had an arrest and had to take someone downtown. I told him to tell Elvis to stop in and see me and he sent a message. I thought that it would be a good idea to listen to Pip and Dave and try to go out with Tom a few times to get over Shane.

I hung out at work a little bit and Dean and Chris came in. They had just come from the Pens game. Chris’s car broke down and they had to push it halfway down the avenue. I was howling with laughter when they told me that. Mikey goes,”hey isn’t that Elvis out at the gas pump?” Sure enough it was. I was reading the sport’s page when he came in to pay for his gas and just as he was walking out the door Eddie came in and started talking to Tom. He said,”Tom do you know Jenn? She is a real sweetheart. You should get to know her.” I was thinking thanks Eddie. I started talking to Tom when Shane walked in. I didn’t say not one word to him and kept on talking to Tom. We had a good convo. Talked about the arrest he made and how much St.Clair Hospital sucks. I know from experience when I spent 7 hours there for a fractured ankle. I told him about the hockey game on Sat. He was a little tired since he had been working since 3 in the afternoon and it was now 4 in the morning. So I said goodbye and he said he would stop in more often to see me. Whoo hoo!

So after he left I was standing behind the counter talking to Chris and Eddie about Tom. Mikey was making coffee and Dean was talking to Shane. Everything was going okay except that I felt really nervous with Shane being in there. My instinct told me to leave right then, but I didn’t want to be rude. Everyone was talking about Mikey and the *cough bruises cough* that were on his neck. And we were all laughing and teasing him. Then Shane said to me,”Jenn I need to ask you something” My heart was beating so fast. I had no clue what he was going to say. He said,”Is it true that you are pregnant?” I almost lost it and started crying right there in front of him, Eddie, Mikey, Dean and Chris. I said,”Yes,” and him and Eddie started asking me all these questions about it. At this point I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes and I just said,”It’s not something that I want to talk about right now.” They wanted to know why. Mikey knows, and he told them all just to leave me alone about it. I am pregnant, but in a few hours I won’t be. It is killing me. I really don’t want to have an abortion, but I have no choice. My child has anencephaly and will not survive when born. The doctor said I could risk my life by carrying the child to term. I can’t risk my life for a child that is going to die. I just don’t have the courage to do it. So I decided to get rid of it, even though I love my child very much. At first I didn’t want to have it. I am so young only 20, but after awhile I grew to love the idea. I love kids and I always wanted to have them. But it’s not meant to be.

Shane and Eddie went out to their cars. I went out to talk to Eddie about it cause I never told him that I was pregnant and I wanted him to hear the truth from me and not the gossip from everyone else. I told him about the abortion and was near tears. He said that everything would work out just fine. He said not to let Shane get to me like that. But I did. I want to be with him, but that’s impossible since he is already engaged. I wanted to tell him what was going on but at the same time I didn’t want him to think of me differently. I just want to know who told him I was pregnant. They only one’s in his department that know are Mark and Denny. I’ll have to ask him later if I see him. Anyways only 3 hours to go until the abortion and I am shaking so bad. I don’t know if I can go through it. I need to go and call my momma Sue. She will give me support through this.

See ya bye

Bubbles