Needing an Outlet

As my title says…I am in much need of an outlet.  This place used to be just that for me and I’m hoping to find it here again.   Maybe I’ll stick with it this time…maybe I won’t.  But for now writing is the only thing I know how to do.

The past year has been a whirlwind for me.  So much has happened, so much has changed.  Some for the better and some not so good.  Right now I’m at my breaking point.  Stressed out to the max, can’t sleep, and constantly find myself crying.

I don’t know if I really know how to sort it all out.  I just have so much weighing down on me right now.  The biggest worry in my life right now is best friend Erik.  He has been battling cancer and it has definitely been difficult for me to handle.  We have been friends for 14 years and there have been times when I had no one else and he was the only one there for me.  He is struggling with depression and he feels abandoned by his family and friends.  He told me that I am the only person that he has to depend on and to talk to.  It is so hard on me because I have to try so hard to stay strong for him, to not breakdown and get emotional with him.  I have to stay positive for him.  I don’t know how I do it when we talk.  Pretty much as soon as I hang up the phone with him I break down and cry for a few minutes.  I wish I could just drop everything and go to New York and take care of him.  He doesn’t want to go to chemo anymore.  He wants to quit and just give up on everything.  I feel like I’m going to lose him and I feel like if I was there that he would be able to handle it better and I could take care of him.  It hurts that I can’t do more for him.  But at the same time I struggle with that fact that I need him as my best friend too and I can’t talk to him about the things that are bothering me or things that I need help with.  It’s not right for me to burden him with my troubles when he is going through so much and needs me.  And I don’t know what else to do, who else to go to.

I’ve been struggling with this for a few months now…For the most part I’ve been doing okay until 2 weeks ago when Nic told me that he was moving out.  I knew that it was coming soon but I thought I would have a couple more weeks to spend with him before he left.  I guess I just wasn’t ready to handle it.  I’m not ready to lose him too.  He moved out last Friday and even though it’s been over a week I am still not handling it very well.  It’s so hard for me to be in the apartment by myself, to come home from work and his car isn’t here, to not have him wake me up in the morning so I won’t be late for work.  He is my rock.  He is the person who keeps me in line and makes sure that I do the things I need to do that I don’t wanna do.  He’s my protector.  The night before he moved out we had a long serious emotional talk…which he rarely does, he’s rarely serious.  I was crying so hard.  I’m so afraid of losing him in my life.  He promised me that he would always be there for me and that things won’t ever change between us.  He will always love me and be there for me.  He told me that I am his family and he needs me in his life.  He’s been trying really hard to talk to me everyday and come over and visit.  Right now he plans on spending Saturday night and all day Sundays at the apartment with me until the baby comes.  But I know that once Tiki has the baby that Nic won’t have time for me anymore.

It’s just eating away at me…the two people that I love and cherish more than anything…the two people that I need in my life…and I feel like I am losing them both.  It’s just to much for me to handle.

Boyfriend Erik tries so hard to make things better.  I appreciate that he wants me to be happy, but sometimes I feel like he just makes it worse.  He doesn’t understand how I feel and it’s so hard to explain to him.  I’m so emotional.  Sometimes I just need to be left alone and he doesn’t get it.  He wants to be there and comfort me.  Maybe I’m just afraid to let him get too close right now.  I dunno.  I just have way too many emotions swirling around inside me right now.