It’s been awhile

I know it’s been awhile since I’ve written anything, but I have been very busy and I am always too tired to get online an write anything. Plus I’ve been spending alot of time with Zoe lately and keeping up with her is always tiring. I don’t know why I want to spend alot of time with Zoe. Yeah it gives Jess a break from a screaming rambunctious 15 month old, but me spending time with her has nothing to do with Jess. Ob said that it was kinda like I had joint custody of Zoe. That made me laugh cause it was kinda true.

TANGENT:Mikey just called me. I should have known better than to answer the phone. The only reason Mike ever calls me is when he wants me to work for him. The convo went like this

MIKE: Jeeeennnnnn(in his whiny little boys voice that just kills me)

ME: No

MIKE: Please

ME:No

MIKE:Come on Jenn please please work for me tonight. I’ll owe you a big favor.

ME:I have to work 2-10 tomorrow I don’t wanna work midnight and then have to come back in at 2.

MIKE: Please, my friend is coming to town for a night and I really really want to see him. He is my best friend and I haven’t seen him in years. pleeeeaaaaasssseeeee.

ME:Allright I’ll work for you

I can’t say no to him ever. And I really don’t want to work tonight cause I am so tired from keeping Zoe last night. But I loved every minute of it. I picked her up yesterday around 6 and took her down Crossroads so she could see Nancy and Gail. She loves seeing Gail. Spent about and hour down there and then we came home and I had to take Donnie home cause mom won’t drive at night but I didn’t know how to get there, so she came with us.

The road to get to Donnie’s house was closed so we had to take a detour. So here I am driving around McDonald in pitch darkness, having a 6 year old give me directions It took us 2 hours to take him home and Zoe slept the whole time. Of course by the time we got home she was wide awake and not ready to go to bed and I was dead tired. But I put her to bed anyways and she layed there and played with her toys and eventually fell asleep.

She woke up around 2 in the morning and wouldn’t go to sleep. I put her on the couch with me and layed there and watched tv and she feel asleep on me, and it almost made me cry. She had her little head on my shoulder and I could hear her breathing and I realized just how much I love that little girl. I love her like my own child and there is nothing I wouldn’t do for her. Today she kept climbing up on the couch next to me and put her head on me and hugged me, and I hugged her back and it made me feel so good that this little innocent child actually loves me.

Sometimes I feel like I have no right to love her so much. She is not my child. Sometimes I get the feeling that Jess feels like Zoe is more of a burden than a bundle of joy. I’ve been spending more and more time with Zoe lately. Jess lets me take her whenever I want. Recently all I wanna do is spend time with her. I can’t explain it, but just being with Zoe makes me happier than I have been lately. Maybe I’m trying to make up for the loss of my own child. I just love Zoe so much and I wish that I could spend more time with her.

It’s not right for me to try and take Zoe away from Jess, well not try and take her away from Jess, but it’s kinda wierd like I want to take her love and affection. I don’t want Jess to think that I am trying to take all of Zoe’s love and affection. I just love her so much and I can’t imagine my life without her, or without Jess. Jess is my best friend and I’m glad that she has Zoe. We have so much fun together, Zoe and I. Jess and Zoe are a big part of my life. Don’t know what I’d ever do without either one of them

Today we watched a tape of a hockey game. We played with toys, and I chased her around the living room on my hands and knees and she was laughing and I haven’t seen her this happy in a long time. We played some music and danced. We had a great time together. I didn’t want to take her home, but I had to, I think I am going to ask Jess if I can take her on my days off. I know Jess won’t mind cause it gives her a break and some peace and quiet. I never thought that I would love anyone as much as I love Zoe.

I’m not big on loving people. It seems like everyone I have ever loved or been close too has been taken away from me. I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have Zoe. It’s funny cause when Jess is mad at me and hardly ever talks to me, but she will always let me see Zoe. I’m glad that she does, cause it would break my heart not to have her in my life. Sometimes the heart feels strange things, and knows things the mind can’t even begin to understand. I don’t know why I love that little girl so much, but I am so happy that she has been brought into my life.

See ya bye

Bubbles