Friendship

Awhile back I got this e-mail about different types of friends. You have friends that come into your life and last forever and you have friends that come into your life, touch you deeply and change your life, and then exit as quickly as they came in. That’s how my friendship with Steve was. I talked to him online tonight and it had been a long time. I hadn’t talked to him in months. The funny thing was that Jess and I were talking about him earlier when we were at the mall and I came home and was very upset and he was online. Just seeing his name on my buddy list cheered me up. It’s wierd because he was there for me for a few months when I was going through some hard times. He changed my outlook on life. He made me believe in myself. He disappears for months and I don’t hear one word from him, but when i really need him he reappears. It’s kinda wierd. Like he’s my gift from god or something. He knows when I need him.

I was really upset about some things that happened with Tom. I don’t know why I am so upset. It was the first time that we went out with Jess. He was flirting with her alot. Not that I really cared. I told him I didn’t care, but I think that I did care. I always feel like I am competing with her for guys. Okay so Tom and I aren’t dating, we’re just sleeping together. I mean I said to him myself that we aren’t together we are just f*cking. I know he isn’t mine and it shouldn’t matter. But I think the more time I spend with him, the more I want to be with him. I was so pissed off when we left King’s that I barely said 2 words to him the whole way to his house. When we got to his house I knew he was going to kiss me goodnight and I really didn’t want him to but at the same time I did.

When he kissed me I felt like crying. On my way home I started crying when Hanging By a Moment by Lifehouse came on the radio. I have always loved that song but for some reason it made me start ballin my eyes out. The chorus of the song is what got to me. It goes:

I’m falling even more in love with you

Letting go of all I’ve held onto

I’m standing here until you make me move

I’m hanging by a moment here with you.

That’s how I am starting to feel about Tom. I know I shouldn’t but I can’t help it. That’s not what I wanted to happen, and I’m pretty sure that’s not how he wanted it either.

When I got home I called him to let him know that I was home okay and I was still crying and he asked me what was wrong and I couldn’t tell him. I really wish I could but I just can’t bring myself to do it. Steve said that I should just let it go and quit talking to him to save myself from getting hurt worse than I already have. He is so right. He has this philosophy. He first said it to me when he left after coming to visit me, and I didn’t want him to go. He said,”It is better to remember the good time that we had, then to cry about the times we aren’t going to. It is better to have the memories than nothing at all.” Kinda like the old saying,”tis better to love and lost than to never have loved at all” It made me feel alot better. Just talking to him made me feel better. He always has this way of appearing right when I need someone most. I couldn’t talk to Jess about it cause she wouldn’t understand. Steve always does and always knows the right thing to say. We might not talk to each other that much, but I am glad that he has come into my life, and I will always be grateful for what he has taught me about lufe.