Conflicted Feelings

So Sammie and I went to see Silky’s band play last night.  They were playing at Brewski’s again.  I had alot of fun, even though I couldn’t drink.  They rocked as usual.  Sammie was very impressed.  She said that she didn’t think Ryan could rock that good.  Believe me he can.  We sat at the bar, talked and listened to the band. During the first break Silky came over and chatted for a bit.  We were getting ready to leave though because Sammie had to get up early to go to work today.  Silky said that we had to stay.  I told him that we would stay if he played my song…STP Interstate Love Song…He said no but after much beggin to him and Erich they said they would play it if we stayed and came over and sat in front of the band instead of at the bar.  So Sammie and I went outside for a few minutes so she could use her phone and I could smoke a cigarette(I know I know…I’m trying to quit.  It’s hard) and when we came back in they started up the next set.  They played my 2nd favorite song, Lynyrd Skynyed Simple Man…and Silky fucked up the lyrics at the beginning…skipped over 2 lines…dude you can’t fuck up Skynyrd.  Anyways after the song Silky asked if anyone noticed they messed up…me and my big mouth answered lol.  I couldn’t help it…besides Silky knows that I am honest…then they play STP as the very next song.  And I managed to get through the whole thing without tearing up.  Although I came close to crying…I managed to get through it.  This was a big step for me.  I heard Silky play mine and Ryan’s song and I didn’t cry.  Although I have done nothing but listen to the song since I’ve been home.  And done alot of thinking.

Even though I had a good time last night I wish that I wouldn’t have gone.  Silky reminds me so much of Ryan that it kills me.  And I thought that I was over liking Silky and that we could just be friends, but seeing him perform last night made me realize that I still want him.  Sammie wanted to leave early and I coulda stayed and I know that Silky wouldve given me a ride home, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it.  I couldn’t bring myself to be alone with him in the car for the 30-45 minutes it woulda taken to get home.  I don’t want to like Silky like that.  I want to only think of him as a friend…and for months that’s all I have done…but now that I am alone without a boyfriend again…and going through alot of stress…I look at Silky and see all the similarities of Ryan and dammit I want that again.  I told Sammie last night to watch Silky when he was playing…he gets all into it…he is so passionate and just gets up there and rocks out…and you can see how much he loves it…you can hear the emotions as he is singing and strumming away.  And dammit when we moved to the front of the band I could see his hands and I couldn’t take my eyes off them…dancing over the strings…the same way I used to do with Ryan.  And it kills me.   And not because I miss Ryan…but because I want to find a man who has that same passion…that same love deep in his soul…and Silky has it.  I don’t want to stop being friends with Silky.  He has been a good friend to me, even if he doesn’t realize it.  And I really do enjoy his music.  But it’s just so hard…and I don’t know if I have it in me to fight these feelings that I have.  Honestly I don’t know what to do.