8 years part 2

To continue…
So I am now up to the Ryan part of my journal…probably the toughest part for me.   It’s kind of hard to read it because I know how the story ends.  So at the beginning…

We had been broken up for 2 years…but had remained friends I guess sorta off and on.  There was always that feeling of we were going to be together eventually, we were just so young then.  We needed to find ourselves first I suppose, well more like I needed to find myself.  I was so unsure of who I was back then…Still am I guess to an extent.  But we had started to talk and hang out more.  So how did we end up back together?  It was the music…his music…our shared passion for music.  Maybe not all of it was because of the music, but that’s what always made me realize how much I loved him.  He always needed music…if he wasn’t playing it himself, he had the radio or a cd playing.  This was before the ipod days.  I remember when we got back together.  I was at his house and we were dancing in his living room.  He kissed me.  I was so torn.  I still loved him but at the same time I was still hurting from our break up.  I was still scared.  And I came home and wrote here on OD, and Sonja Blue…that lovely woman…she said, "even if you do end up getting hurt in the long run, it will have been so worth it, you know it, I know you do! Love is worth throwing away over some ethical inner confusion question you have!Take a breath and leap!"  And I followed her advice.  The next day I talked to him and told him that I still loved him.  We agreed to start over.  And life was good again.  I loved him so much and he loved me.  I was so young and innocent then.  I believed in fairytales and happily ever afters.  I just knew that life would be perfect for us.  We would get married and have lots of babies and life would be good. 

Then we got into an argument…over something stupid.  We went our seperate ways for a bit…Gave each other time and space.  But it was only supposed to be temporary.  It wasn’t supposed to be forever.  We got into an argument.  I was supposed to go with him to his show.  We had been talking.  We were going to make it work.  But then Jess called.  I hadn’t talked to her in forever.  She wanted to see me.  I cancelled on Ryan.  We argued about Jess.  I was so hot-headed then.  I told him I hated him and never wanted to speak to him ever again.  I didn’t mean it.  The next day I got the call from his sister.  He was gone.   The roads were really icy, his car flipped over several times and he was killed.  I never got to say goodbye…or that I was sorry…or that I loved him.  My soul died that day.  Left me with an emptiness that I still feel a little bit today.  In 5 more days it will be 7 years since hes been gone, and it still hurts some.  I felt so guilty for so long.  Took me a long time to get over it.  Re-reading the entries about him was very hard.  I smiled at the memories and remembered the love.  I can still feel those feelings he made me feel.  But it was so hard reading them…so hard because I knew how the story was going to end.  I knew what was going to happen next.  I knew that we weren’t going to have our happily ever after.  And these days I don’t think about him much.  Although there are certain things that trigger the memories.  Certain smells.  Certain sounds, even certain situations just trigger his memory.  And I welcome them… They make me smile.  I no longer regret the life we coulda had but didn’t.  I am grateful for the life we did have together.  I just need to remind myself of that sometimes.  He loved me and I loved him…and if thats all I have for the rest of my life…then it was enough.  It was enough…