11/16/2007

So I haven’t written in awhile even though a lot of shit has been going on. Where to begin? Well I tried not to go to Borders and talk to Silky cause I wanted to give him some time away from me, but General tricked me into going up there. He sent me a text asking me if I would go up to Borders and give Silky a message. Since I was getting ready to go take a break I said okay. I went to Borders and gave Silky the message and then he told me to text General and tell him the reply. I opened my phone and went to start texting and then said, “Wait why can’t you text him and tell him yourself?” Silky said, “Cause I am working.” And I said, “So am I.” He said, “you’re not even in your store and besides it’s not like you do any work anyways.” I was angered by that because I do work and I bust my ass off. But whatever. So I texted General and then asked him why I had to play messenger. He replied that it was because I wouldn’t have went to see Silky unless he tricked me into it. Damn him lol. So yeah I am back to visiting Silky. 
 
Then on Nov. 2, the day before Silky’s birthday, I get a picture text from him. It was a pic of a hockey game and he wrote General and I are here. I was at work having a very frustrating day when I got the message and I was upset. How dare they go to a hockey game without me? I texted them both back and said I hated them and they weren’t my friends anymore. But General promised me I could go next time. 
 
At midnight I texted Silky and wished him a happy birthday. I got him a card and left it at his work. I wrote a long ass note inside it and told him that if he ever went to a hockey game without me that he would die a slow torturous painful death. I wasn’t expecting to see him on his birthday but I happened to be coming back inside from break and as I walked past Borders he was there working so I stopped in to say hi but couldn’t talk because my boss called my cell phone and was bitching at me to get my ass back to work. 
 
Which brings me to my next news; I quit my job the next day. Basically to make a long story short, my boss and I had been getting into it a lot lately. We were short staffed and had been very busy trying to get floor sets done for Christmas. I was in the process of trying to move again and she knew this. Richard broke his arm and was out all week so I had to work all week to cover his shifts when I was trying to pack and move. She told me I could have Saturday off so that I could move since all my stuff had to be out by Sunday morning. Then she changed her mind and said she needed me to work on Saturday but I could leave early like around 4. I ended up having to stay until 9, then came home and had to move. I didn’t go to bed until about 5am and my whole body was killing me from lifting heavy ass shit all week at work and then moving all my stuff up and down 3 flights of stairs all night. When I came to work on Sunday she started bitching as soon as I walked in the door. And I was already pissed off, tired, and hurting. She was bitching that all this stuff should’ve been done and why didn’t I finish the beverage unit and that she was the only one who was doing anything and we weren’t working together as a team and didn’t have a sense of urgency. Bull fucking shit!! She was the one who got 2 days off, and who left early every day, and who didn’t work on Friday when we were supposed to be getting the stuff done. And she was the one who wasn’t staying late that night to work on floor set when it was mandatory. So I told her that if she was going to bitch at me all day then she could have my keys and I was going home. She told me to quit threatening her and if I was gonna do it then do it. So I grabbed my stuff, threw my keys at her and said, “Fuck you I quit!” Then I left. I was in tears because I really did like working at Spencer’s. I was just so tired of her bullshit. She is the manager. She is supposed to work extra hours when needed. She is supposed to work certain hours and she does not. She leaves the store while on the clock to take care of personal business and she does it a lot. She takes hour long lunch breaks when we only get a half hour and does not clock out like she is supposed to. She leaves early or uses sick days because of some “family emergency” that really isn’t an emergency. I understand that she is married and has kids, but I shouldn’t be penalized because I don’t. Like she calls me and says I have to come in on my day off because her husband is going out of time and she wants to spend time with him before he leaves. Oh fucking well. You knew what the job entailed when you took it so deal with it. And I am not the only one who left and I know a few who are about to leave. So yeah I have been jobless for almost 2 weeks.
 
But I start my new job today at Bathfitters. Mary is the manager there and I had actually applied before I quit Spencer’s because I wanted to work there part time for some extra cash. So now I am going to work there as much as possible while looking for something else. At least it is cash in my pocket. Besides it’s as easy as pie. All I have to do is sit there all day and answer questions and get customers to fill out a card for a free estimate. 
 
Other than that, not too much else going on. I’m really enjoying my new place. I get along fine with James and Mary and we have a new roommate. His name is Hollywood and he is friends with James and Mary. He is a cool guy. We’ve been spending some time together this past week since we’ve been stuck at home together. Mostly just watching movies together. Everyone was teasing me today because my back is killing me from sleeping on the floor. Hollywood and I were watching movies together 2 nights ago and I fell asleep on the floor next to him. So Josh, Allie, Mary, James, and Filmore were messing with me so bad about me and Hollywood hooking up, which we did not. They kept questioning me about why we were spending so much time together. Um hello because I hate to be by myself and we were home alone all week so why not watch movies together. But afterwards I started questioning myself. Like I was in a depressed mood the other day and Hollywood knew it. He came and knocked on my door 3 times trying to get me to come upstairs and watch movies and hang out because being alone when you are depressed is not good for you. I refused and took a nap, but later on I went upstairs and watched a few movies. And all week he kept asking me to keep him company while he unpacked his stuff and he kept asking my opinion about what he should wear to a job interview and if he looked good. And damn he does look good all cleaned up. And I got to thinking that I am attracted to him, which is why when heasks me to hang out and keep him company I agree. But I don’t want to date him, maybe just scrump with him. I want Silky dammit. And I have been very depressed these past few weeks thinking about Ryan. In one week it will be the 5 year anniversary of his death. 
 
It’s so hard to believe it’s been 5 years. I still miss him so much. I’ve hardly thought about him lately, but ever since that night at Jake and Al’s when Silky played our song I haven’t been able to get him off of my mind. And then I had this dream about him and it really upset me. I haven’t been able to sleep much since then. I try so hard to sleep but I toss and turn in bed and think about him and I get so sad. I’ve spent a lot of time writing, trying to work it all out. While unpacking I found all my old journals and I read them all. So many memories of Ryan that I had forgotten. Then I decided to read my whole OD. Took me three days because 6 years of a journal is a lot to go through. I had forgotten so much. It’s hard to believe all the things I’ve been through these past 6 years. My life has definitely not turned out the way I planned. But everything is just making me so depressed right now. I spent most of the day crying and Hollywood tried to cheer me up but I told him to leave me alone. He brought Talyn home with him tonight and Talyn knocked on my door and said he wanted to talk. So I let him in and we laid in my bed and he asked me why I was so upset so I told him. He really made me feel a lot better. But I still feel sad. I just want it to all go away. I don’t wanna think about Ryan anymore, but the month of November is always hard for me and I always think about him this time of year. I thought I was over him. I need to be over him. I need to move on. I just don’t know how. And it still hurts.