06/15/2009

I’ve been away from here for awhile.  I have so much I want to say I just don’t know where to start.  I guess one of the main reason’s that I haven’t written much in here is because for the past year I just haven’t been very motivated to write anything.  Writing used to be such an important part of my life.  Somewhere along the way I just lost the passion for it.  Maybe because most of my writing stemmed from highly emotional times, and really I haven’t had those emotional ups and downs that I used to.  My life is pretty much stable and boring these days.  I finally have an excellent job, that although stressful at times I do love.  I moved in with Randi, my best friend and she is the best roomie ever, plus I get to spend time with my butt butt, Jaden.  Hard to believe he is almost two.  I love him so much and he is growing up so fast.  I’m so glad that I get to be a part of it.   The Pens won the Stanley Cup.  I couldn’t be more ecstatic. 

But with all that I have to be so happy about I have been feeling an overwhelming sense of sadness lately.  And I think that most of it stems from my relationship with Michael.  The past 2 years have been so great for us.  When we met 4 years ago I never thought that we would end up where we are now.  It was just supposed to be a casual relationship with the occasional fuck.  Somewhere along the way I fell in love with him.  For the longest time I thought that it was pretty one-sided.  And then one day out of the blue he loved me too.  But the past several months have been very hard on us.  He was supposed to be moving to Kentucky, so that is when I decided to move in with Randi.  Then his transfer fell through and he is still here, only now we live 2 hours apart.  Which has been rough, but we have been making time for each other and seeing each other every weekend.  But my problem is now I am having doubts about alot of things.  Most of all doubting that he loves me. 

He says he does, but he makes plans to move to Kentucky.  If he loved me he would stay here with me wouldn’t he?  He’s staying now, but only because his job transfer fell through.  And he tries to show me that he loves me, but sometimes it’s just not enough.  He just doesn’t think sometimes.  This is my last weekend off before I have to go back to work from sick leave(I will get to that in a moment) and he couldn’t come and spend time with me, but he could go out with Ben, his best friend.  He called me this afternoon to talk.  I was still asleep, but I answered so I was a little cranky.  He was on his way to meet Ben and I got pissy and said, "Oh you can go out and spend time with Ben whom you live like 10 minutes away from and can see whenever you want, but you can’t come and spend time with me when I have to go back to work on Tuesday and won’t have as much time to spend with you.  Fucking great."  His response was, " I spent time with you last night."  To which I replied, "Spending time together on a 10man Naxx raid(World of Warcraft) does not count!"  I wish I could get it through his head that spending time on WoW together does not count as actually spending time together.  Because most of the time I get pissed off at him on WoW.  Which is another thing that bothers me.  He is not a very social person.  Never has been.  I am.  He got me started on WoW so he feels that he should be the only person I go to for help.  Well he convinced me to join the guild he belongs to which I did.  And since I am a social person I talk to everyone in the guild.  I befriend people in the game.  If I need something I have people I can go to that will help me out.  He’s jealous because we will be in guild chat and everyone talks to me and rarely does anyone say anything to him.  Guildies invite me along on raids and such.  We do things together.  He feels left out because he will want to do something and I’m already busy.  Then he’ll call me and ask me to ask them if he can come along too, which i do.  But if he spoke up they would invite him too.  Or he gets bent out of shape because we will join a random group together and there will be someone in there that I know and they’re all like "Méabh!!!! What’s up?"  or something to that effect.  And he wants to know how I know whoever it is.  I’ve always been a networker.  If I need something I know where to get it done either for free or at a cheap price.  Why should WoW be any different.   I can’t help it if I am social.  When I first started playing the game I did go to him for help alot because he was the only person I knew.  Most of the time he was too busy doing other things.  So now he comes to me for help and if I don’t help he gets mad.  It’s so irritating. 

But I digress.  My doubts come from a number of things.  He says that he loves me and he tries to show that he does, but it’s not enough.  Maybe I just have high expectations, but I want him to be more affectionate.  Sometimes I’m just having a bad day and I just want him to wrap me in his arms and comfort me, but if I am even the tad bit emotional around him he panics.  I just want to be able to cry on his shoulder, but heaven forbid I even think about shedding a tear, or else he will freak out.  He has no clue how to handle it, when it is so simple…just put your arms around me until I get over it.  How hard is that?  I just want him to pay attention to what I am really saying.  I want him to be able to remember what my favorite ice cream flavor is, or my favorite song, or where we went on our first date, or even remember when my birthday is.  And I know…stereotypical man…can’t remember shit.  I want him to want to spend time with me, not tell me that he is too tired or has to work early…make sacrifices, because I can’t even count the number of times I have gone to work with no sleep just so I could spend a few hours with him.  I just wish he would effin think sometimes!  Like he took an overnight trip to Pittsburgh to visit a friend from college.  He didn’t even think to ask me if I wanted to go.  Heaven forbid why would I want to go to my hometown for a weekend.  Especially since I haven’t been there since September and I miss my family.  God I was so pissed.  Like seriously.  

Thinking about that again just makes me really pissed again…I can’t even finish this entry anymore…to be continued.