Thank you letter to Max

I appreciate his honesty. Even this honesty of hating women was a bit too uncomfortable but at least he never betrayed himself. At least he didn’t do things out of manipulation or to get love or attention. A lot of men lied to me about their feelings but Max didn’t and that in itself should be celebrated. I got love for his soul- I saw sides of him that were so gentle and I will miss seeing that. I will miss seeing the one who came up to my table for nothing more than just to give me a quick kiss. I will miss seeing the one who reached his hand underneath the table just to touch me while giving me a compliment. We played house for a month and it was damn good. It felt like a warm fireplace and it was cozy. And it felt safe. And looking back at his text messages made me see the emotional wavelength. I don’t wanna idealize him. But it makes me wonder, did I fuck it up? Maybe I didn’t and it was gonna fall apart on its own but it would of taken longer. Or maybe he would of started acting detached like he warmed me he would. But in all idealization, I have to remind myself that I wasn’t happy in this dynamic. I wasn’t getting my needs met. It’s nice to live in a world where it all worked out and it makes me sad that it ended. Maybe I need that sadness right now. I’ve been avoiding it for so long.

In my mind I don’t feel like it’s over. I feel like we will hook up again and then I will be reminded again of his energy that sucked the life outta me. And then I will see him for what he truly is- a vampire who never wants to give but only take, take and take. And then I will wake up and never want to see him again.

5 YEARS DOWN THE LINE WHY IT WOULDN’T WORK:

1. He’s too selfish- doesn’t see what he could of done better – his 1st response is to deny- that’s not a partnership
2. His way or the high way and the high way is me betraying myself
3. He has no money and no life goals and no dreams
4. He hates women
5. His anger issues would eventually fly off the handle
6. He would sabotage the fuck outta my goodness
7. His mom is Boderline and his dad is a narcissist- he was never modeled a good relationship dynamic
8. I would have to pretend to be someone I”m not- someone I would no longer recognize
9. I would have to be the provider and do ALL the work and carry it like the 10 of wands- it would eventually kill my nervous system
10. He hates other cultures b/c of his ignorance about them