SPEED SPEED SPEED
THE AFTER-MATH
I’m happy and relieved to not be obsessing over my backstabbing ex and so-called-hater-ex-bestfriend. Yes I wanna jump up and down and sashay about the peace I feel. But you know what else I feel? BOREDOM. Oh no, I have hobbies. I’m talking about emotional boredom. The kind of boredom that sets in and you’re like, “Well I haven’t felt you in a while, the fuck do you want?” The kind of boredom that gives you peace and torture at the same time. Not the torture where you feel like something bad is yet to hit the shit fan but the torture that’s quietly lurking beneath your skin saying that this feels too calm, too good. It’s uncomfortable. It’s so used to the chaos. It should feel good to feel good! But nah honey, in this case, it feels fuckin weird. I’m not used to feeling like rain. My body’s constant pump of cortisol and adrenaline is what gave me life!! It moved me from one spot to the next, never being able to hold still, never being able to emerge into my feelings and to have that moment with my insides. What do I want? What do I need? Has never sounded more crisp. Bite into a Macintosh if you wanna know what kind of crisp I’m talking about. No more fuck boys that’s for sure. They don’t interest me anymore, I can’t even entertain them. It feels cheap. I know I deserve more, one of them even said that. Took me 5 years to believe him.
THE BEFORE-MATH
When shit hit the spinning fan, I lost it all. I lost my sanity, I lost my money and I lost my 7 so-called friends. This isn’t a story about loss. We got gains, baby, gains. I look back and ask myself, well now that I’m over it, why wasn’t I over it on day one? What took so damn long? And yes a year and a half of holding on to anger is too long. I’m not here to preach about how holding on to anger does more damage than good but I’m here to preach about the prologued disappointment of holding on. Just a little bit. Why didn’t I react like I didn’t give a fuck? Why didn’t I just ignore them? Why did I get emotionally messy into this mess? You see, the irony is, no matter how you get out of a situation, your ego will always tell you, well could of done it like this instead. When months ago all I wanted to do was to let go of this mess in the first place!!! I prayed at one point. Yes, me, the atheist, prayed to have this burden lifted off me. And hurry up now, we ain’t got all day. I wanted this shit gone ASAP! I said, “God, I’ll do whatever it takes to not feel this pain anymore. Just tell me what to do.” A moment of silence for that girl who laid in bed, feeling hopeless that she’ll ever feel the warmth of the sun again. Because when you get used to the storms, you forget what color the sun is. And now that I get to feel glimpses of sunlight in my face, I wish I could brag about how nice it feels but it doesn’t.